Holding Us Back
by Permanent Rose
Summary: After Maura unexpectedly leaves, Jane tries to pick up the pieces of her own life, only to have it shattered again after a chance meeting with Maura
1. Chapter I

_A/N: Just a quick little note before I let you read. I must have been watching too much LOST lately, because the format of this story is much like that of the show lol. Basically I'll be telling it partially in present time and partially in flashbacks, but the flashbacks may not be in exact chronological order. Don't worry, it will make sense as it goes. To help you out, each chapter will either say 'Now' or 'Then' which will let you know if it's a flashback or not. _

_I hope you enjoy :]_

* * *

_There's no explanation, only what we cannot change_

* * *

_Now_

Maura's heels clicked against the pavement as she strolled down the park pathway, lingering in the patches of shade as she felt the busy world swirl around her. It was late March, and it was the first warm day of the year, which had sent the entire city of Boston into a frenzy. Flocks of antsy children filled the playground, frisbees whizzed by, and college students lay scattered across the grass, soaking up the beams sun.

Maura donned a skirt that she knew was considered much too short for her age level, but she reveled in the gazes she turned, their eyes falling on her long, bare legs, as if a magnet had drawn them there. It made her feel less alone, to know that she was still desirable. However, it made her fear for the future when she knew she would no longer be an object of lust, wishing that she had the security of having someone she loved to tell her she was beautiful no matter how withered and faded she would become.

Maura sighed, taking a seat on a nearby park bench. He feet had long ago learned to withstand the pain of walking a considerable distance in heels, but her legs were still tired. She took a moment to try to separate herself from the crowded park, but she knew her efforts were in vain. There was never a peaceful moment in the city, and for as lonely as she felt, there was never a true moment of solitude.

Across the path from the bench she had settled on, a small boy, about four years old, distracted her from her musings. His blonde hair was a little sweaty from his playing, and his knees were covered a dusting of sand from the jungle gym floor. He looked confused and slightly uncomfortable as his eyes wildly scanned the perimeter of the park.

Maura shifted to move from the bench, but hesitated for a moment. Perhaps she should wait a moment to see if the boy's mother appeared. A stranger helping a child in need was always a risky endeavor, despite how innocent the intentions might be. The boy whimpered slightly, and Maura rose, only hesitating once again as she had to readjust her skirt. She certainly wasn't the motherly type, and it made her even more wary as she began to approach the boy, whose mother showed no sign of coming to his aid. The risks outweighed the idea of leaving the child to fend for himself, and she walked a bit more determinedly toward him, crouching down as best she could in her skirt and smiling at him softly.

"Is everything okay, sweetie?" she crooned, her voice sounding unnatural as she spoke to the child.

He stiffened visibly, and so did Maura, wondering if her good deed would be one she would regret. She offered him another comforting smile. He relaxed slightly, chewing on his dirty finger as he let out a small sniffle. "I gotta go potty, but I can't find my mommy." As if to prove his point, he clenched his legs together in discomfort, and Maura could practically feel the pain from his bulging bladder just by looking at him.

"Well, um," stuttered Maura, who never fumbled for words. "Let's see if we can find your mother then."

He nodded as she rose, taking a halting step as his eyes glanced around the playground, only to land on Maura once again. "I'm gonna pee pee in my pants," he whispered, looking desperate and fearful.

"No!" Maura exclaimed instinctively, and the boy jerked his head in surprise. "Sorry," she muttered, looking frantically around the park before spotting a bathroom a small distance away. "How about we take you to the restroom, and then we'll try to find your mother?" she suggested, knowing that the child wetting his pants was preventable on her part.

He nodded vigorously, following Maura to the grungy park restroom without a thought. She pointed him in the direction of the men's room, ready to wait for him outside, but he looked up at her with a pleading glance. "Mommy comes in with me."

Maura nodded, sighed, and then led him into the women's room, feeling a little relieved to see a mother in there with two little boys of her own. Trying to appear as natural as possible, hoping that the woman would not suspect that the little boy was not hers, she opened up the stall, nodding him in.  
"I need help gettin' up," he informed her, glancing at the toilet that was almost as tall as he was. Maura had to wonder what she had gotten herself into. She felt as though she had practically kidnapped the child as she helped to lift him onto the toilet, cringing a little as he planted his hands on the filthy seat as he finally emptied his bladder.

"All done!" he announced, smiling for the first time since she had come to his aid. She helped him down, made sure he buttoned his shorts and slathered a fair amount of hand sanitizer over his hands, feeling increasingly nervous as she braced herself to face the wrath of a furious mother once they emerged from the restroom. As they stepped back out into the fresh air, the boy reached to grab her hand. She startled slightly, but let his hand settle deeper into hers. He smiled up at her.

"What's your name?" she asked against her better judgement.

"Mason," he answered immediately, seeming completely at ease despite the fact they had come no closer to finding his mother.

"I'm Maura," she told him, glancing around the park for a frantic woman or some other hint of who this child belonged to. "Can you tell me what your mother looks like?"

"She's tall," he began, which didn't give Maura much to go off of. An eight-year-old would be tall to him. "And she has long black hair that is curly."

"She sounds very pretty," Maura smiled down at him.

"Yep, mommy is the prettiest lady ever," he said proudly, though his face fell a little as he looked around the park. "What if we never find her?"

"Oh, we will," Maura promised quickly, and as if on cue, she heard a woman's voice call his name, almost indistinct amongst the clamor the crowded park. Mason's ears perked up too, and they followed the frantic calls over the edge of the playground.

"There she is!" Mason exclaimed excitedly, pointing to a tall woman with dark hair pulled back into a messy ponytail from behind. She turned, and Maura did a double-take, her heart skipping an entire beat.

She meant to release Mason's hand, but she only clung to it tighter as the woman caught her gaze.

"Mommy!" Mason exclaimed, finally wriggling free from Maura's grasp and running toward his mother. She picked him up absentmindedly, hardly acknowledging her child's presence.

Maura tried to assess the situation as she stepped toward the woman, her mind in overdrive as she glanced from the toddler to the mother. Her voice got tangled in her throat as she uttered just one word.

"Jane."


	2. Chapter II

_Just beautifully broken as a bird without wings_

* * *

_Then_

Only crazy people went grocery shopping at 4am. And Jane certainly felt like she fit the bill as she wandered through the produce section, watching a pockmarked teenager mop the floors. She passed a row of vegetables, remembering when she used to shop for Bass with Maura.

("Are you _seriously _buying organic lettuce for your turtle?"

"Tortoise, Jane. And yes.")

She wondered what had become of Bass. And then, for the umpteenth, she wondered what had become of his owner. _Stop it, _she commanded herself, pulling herself out the memory. She'd been thinking too much about Maura lately, and it only made the knot in her gut hurt more.

Tomorrow - or rather, later today - Jane was getting married. She had been much too restless to sleep, leaving her snoring fiancée behind as she sought escape anywhere. She sighed, plopping down on the floor beside a rack of tomatoes, unsure why she was here. Unsure what she was waiting for. And completely unsure about what she wanted. She closed her eyes, thinking back to a time when her life had been much more definitive. It seemed absurd that she had felt more confident during a time when she had no clear vision of her future. Now, with her future securely locked into place, Jane felt like she was drowning.

She jumped when she felt something brush past her knee, her eyes jolting open. It was only a mop, and the pockmarked boy stood above her, looking thoroughly confused.

"Lady, are you okay?" he asked, leaning on his mop.

"No," Jane answered a little too quickly as she rose. "I'm completely insane and should probably be institutionalized."

He opened his mouth, said nothing, and stared.

And then she left.

XXX

"Ow - fuck, Ma!" Jane winced as another pin dug into her scalp.

"Geez, Janie, hold still!" her mother exasperated, impaling her head once again. "There!" she pulls away, stepping back to inspect her handiwork, tucking a stray strand behind Jane's ear. "It will have to do."

Jane took a look at her reflection in the mirror. She barely recognized herself with her face caked in makeup and her hair pulled up into an updo. She touched her hair, letting out a sigh.

"You're beautiful, Janie," her mother assured her, and Jane smiled, only to scowl as her mother added. "It's a miracle we were able to cover those dark circles of yours."

Jane stood, smoothing her dress. She never imagined she'd do the cliché wedding, but here she was, a puff of white, waiting to walk down the aisle. It was to please her parents – rather, her mother – more than anything. She was their only daughter, and the least she could do for them was give them the satisfaction of a traditional wedding.

"Ready?" she asked her mother, fighting the urge to roll her eyes as her mother wiped away a few tears before she nodded.

Once at the church, her mother scanned the crowd, frowning a little. "I wish we had more people coming."

"Yeah, I know, Ma. You mentioned about five thousand times how you wished I had more friends," Jane snorted, becoming crosser by the second.

"No word from Maura?" her mother's voice was soft, and she looked timidly at her daughter's face.

Jane took in a gulp of air, reminding herself to breathe before she became livid. "It's been a year, Ma. You think she's gonna miraculously pop out of the woodwork just in time to save the day?"

"I'm sorry, Jane," her mother sighed, reaching for Jane's hand, but Jane refused to take it.

"Yeah, me too."

XXX

"Ooh, look at you," Frost taunted in a singsong-y voice as he took at look at Jane. "There's a lady hiding beneath that leathery hide."

"Can it, Frost," Jane muttered crossly, adding a glare for emphasis.

"Okay, I stand corrected: Grizzly bear," he took a step back from the irritated bride.

"Frost," Korsak warned, and then turned his attention to Jane. "You look beautiful, Jane. We just wanted to wish you luck and congratulate you before the ceremony started."

"Thanks, Korsak," she muttered, her anger waning, and all in an instant her voice became a little hoarse with a sudden urge to cry. She leaned into embrace the man who had become a second father figure to her. "Means a lot to me, that you two are here.

"Wouldn't miss it," assured Korsak, and Frost nodded in agreement, sweeping Jane into a hug himself before they take their seats.

XXX

The priest began the prelude.

Jane wondered what would happen if she bolted down the aisle in a spontaneous escape.

She wondered what would happen if she didn't.

She glanced out at the congregation, a small crowd, but a significant one, all her to support her. Her mother was crying. Her father and brothers looked proud. Frost and Korsak were beaming.

She sucked in a breath, tried to fit a lifetime of thoughts into a minute, begged for some sort of divine intervention, and then said, "I do."

* * *

_A/N: I'm going on a little trip from Friday to Sunday, so don't expect any updates until Monday. Just wanted to give you a heads up._

_Also I just wanted to thank you all for the positive feedback. I really appreciate it :]_


	3. Chapter III

_But I can't find the words I want_

* * *

_Now_

She hadn't wanted to see her again. Not now. Not after everything in her life had finally started to make sense again. Not after she had finally convinced herself it was okay to move on.

Jane had left without so much as a backwards glance, hugging Mason closer to her chest as she stormed away, overwhelmed by anger and betrayal she had not been prepared to confront.

Mason let out a small cry, and Jane held him closer, slowling her pace as they neared the car. "Is everything okay, Mason?" she asked, running her fingers through his blonde hair. She didn't believe for a minute that Maura had done anything to harm him, not matter how angry she was right now, but right now Mason her first priority.

"Are you mad at me?" he sniffed, and Jane kissed away his tears, rubbing his back gently.

"No, I'm not mad. Not at you," she added, buckling him into his booster seat. "What happened? Why were you with…her?" she sighed, not wanting to say her name just yet.

"I had to go potty, and I couldn't see you so Maura helped me," he explained simply, his tears waning. Jane winced a little as he spoke her name. Of course, she had just been doing what any woman would do if she say a child in need.

It was a painfully cruel small world.

She shut Mason's door and climbed into the driver's seat as she started the car. They drove in silence for a moment before Mason spoke.

"Mommy, why did Maura make you mad?" Mason asked as he kicked his feet against his seat.

Jane let out a heavy sigh. She wished Mason hadn't been so perceptive.

She ignored the question, instead taking another approach. "You shouldn't talk to strangers, Mason."

Mason looked down at his feet. "She was a nice lady."

"Not all strangers are nice." She ignored his statement yet another time, gripping the wheel a little tighter. She wasn't prepared for any of this, and she certainly wasn't prepared to explain it to Mason.

He was silent for a moment, beginning to kick his feet again.

"Mommy, why did she make you mad?" he asked again, earnest and innocent.

"Mason," she sighed, catching a glimpse of his face through the rearview mirror, his eyes wide with curiosity. "Maura hurt Mommy very much a long time ago."

"She hurt you?" Mason wrinkled his nose, looking up at Jane's eyes, visible in the mirror. "Like a boo-boo?"

"Yes, like a boo-boo," Jane agreed, pulling into a parking spot outside their townhouse. "Except the boo-boo is all better now," Jane assured him, though she could slowly feel it being torn open again. She walked around to the side door of the car, helping Mason out of his booster seat. "I just didn't want to stay around in case boo-boo started hurting again. Does that make sense?" She hoped he would soon drop the subject, and Jane could attempt to go on as if nothing had happened.

Mason chewed on his lip before nodding, hopping out of the car onto the pavement below. He was soon distracted from their previous conversation as he scooped up a handful of yellow dandelions growing from a grassy patch on the pavement. "For you," he grinned, handing the weeds to Jane.

"Thank you," Jane laughed a little, already feeling a bit more relaxed as she took the dandelions from Mason's grasp, leaning down to kiss his fair hair. "Ready for a nap, little man?"

XXX

Half an hour later, after they had placed Jane's "flowers" in a vase of water on the counter, and she had read Mason two books and sang him to sleep, Jane collapsed on her bed, trying her best not to think.

But curiosity and regret were getting the best of her. Maura was back here in Boston. She wondered how long she had been back, and her anger resurfaced once again to think of Maura being here without bothering to let Jane know. But really, how much better would an earlier encounter have been? It wouldn't have changed anything.

Before she could compose herself, a sob wracked through her, and then another, and another. She pulled a pillow to her face, trying to stifle her loud sobs, trying in vain to hold herself together.

"Mommy?"

She almost didn't hear the soft voice over her loud tears. She quickly wiped her face, seeing Mason standing cautiously in the doorway of her bedroom. "I thought you were asleep, baby," she choked out, sitting on the edge of her bed, knowing she looked like a wreck.

"I heard you crying and I woke up." Mason stepped toward the bed, reaching out for Jane. She picked him up, holding him tightly against her. "I don't want you to be sad."

"I'm gonna be fine, Mase," she promised, finally able to suck in a deep breath. She could already feel her tears drying against her face.

"Did Maura make you sad?" Mason asked after a moment, tucking his head into the crook of her neck.

There was no use in lying. Mason was much more aware of the situation than she expected. She nodded.

"Maybe you should go back to see her and then she'll say I'm sorry. Then maybe the boo-boo will get better," suggested Mason.

"Maybe," she found herself smiling a little. The world of a four-year-old was so simple, but his words held a certain wisdom. She held him for a moment longer before kissing his head. "I think it's about time you went back in for your nap, little man."

Mason nodded, a little sleepily, and Jane carried him back down the hall into his bedroom. "Sweet dreams, baby," she whispered as she tucked him in.

"Are you gonna cry more, Mommy?" he asked, his tiny brow wrinkling in concern.

"No, Mommy's gonna be okay," she assured him, brushing his hair away from his forehead to give him a final kiss.

She shut the door quietly, walking back down the hall. She dug around in her purse for her phone, paging down to the number she never had the strength to delete.

_The Dirty Robber. 9pm tonight, _she texted.

She snapped her phone shut and reminded herself to breath. She stared up at the ceiling, letting her eyes close as she waited.


	4. Chapter IV

_Maybe I love you, maybe I just like the sound_

* * *

_Then_

"You're up late," Ian's thick, accented voice cut through the gentle hum the cicadas. Maura smiled as he sat down on the ground beside her, following her gaze up to the sky. "Stargazing?" he asked, scooting a little closer to her.

She leaned her head against his shoulder, relishing in the feeling of being wanted. She nodded against him, lifting an arm as she pointed to the heavens. "There's Cassiopeia." She had spent a great deal of time as a child mastering the night sky, and it always gave her a sense of comfort to be able to pick out these familiar pictures wherever she was.

Ian traced the outline of the vain queen with his finger. "And there's Perseus," she followed his finger. "And Andromeda."

In every way, Ian appeared to be her perfect match. Intelligent, attractive, and of course, very charming. When she was with him, she could always convince herself she was in love with him, but when he left, she was always left with an empty hole and insuppressible regret. She thought of Jane, as she found herself doing at least once a day, always feeling a bit smothered and panicked as she tried convince herself that leaving had been the only option.

"I'm so glad you're here," Ian muttered with a smile, and once again she was consumed in his want for her. He ran his fingers through her hair, which had become even longer and a bit unruly from her prolonged stay in Africa with minimal access to proper commodities. Her devotion to Ian (or rather, her need to be desired, though she would not openly admit this to herself) was the only thing keeping her anchored so far from civilization.

She said nothing in reply but only lifted her lips as she sought a kiss. Ian complied, his mouth lingering on hers for a moment. "We'd better get some sleep," he suggested, rising from the dirt and reaching to offer Maura a hand. She took it, dusting off her jeans as they headed toward their tent. "We're on the move again tomorrow."

XXX

"This is Madaha." Ian's voice startled her as she looked up from her organizing, pushing her bandana a little farther back on her forehead. She put down a roll of gauze, stepping toward the entrance of the tent. Beside Ian stood a small girl, probably about five-years-old. She was covered in a fine layer of dust, and her swollen belly poked out from her faded t-shirt, a great contrast to her bony limbs and gaunt face. "Can you treat her? I need to finish distributing supplies in the southern part of the village."

Maura nodded, beckoning the young girl to come toward her. She only stared at her with wide eyes. "_Jambo, Madaha. Jina langu ni Maura._" She looked a little less wary as Maura spoke in her own language. "Won't you come in?" she continued to speak in Swahili. "I can help you feel better."

Madaha lingered in the entrance for a moment longer, drawing lines with her big toe in the dust. Maura began to organize the supplies again, humming softly as she watched Madaha out of the corner of her eye. She slowly began to inch her way into the tent, but Maura made no move to rush her. After about five minutes, Madaha sat down a few feet away from Maura, looking up at her with earnest eyes.

Maura smiled at her, reaching into a box and pulling out the pills used to treat parasites. "_Unaweza kumeza hili_?" She handed her a bottle of fresh water along with the pill, asking if she could swallow it.

Madaha nodded, swallowing the pill and then greedily drinking the fresh water. She wiped her mouth when she finished, saying nothing. She gave no sign of moving, content to sit and listen to Maura sing as she organized.

XXX

It was a very Robin Hood-esque task to work with Ian. She knew their supplies were smuggled because Ian could not obtain funding for his projects, and though a pang of guilt coursed through Maura every so often when she thought about the logistics of what they did, she tried to focus instead on the lives they were saving.

The work kept her mind off her own troubles. Her own heartache was close to nothing when she took into account the desolate conditions in which the Ugandan people lived in. Watching them struggle for their most basic needs reminded Maura that she still had much to be grateful for.

Madaha was a frequent visitor to her tent, even after she was rid of her parasites. She never spoke, and Maura soon learned that there was no use in trying to coax anything out of her. She would merely sit, her knees pulled to her chest, listening to Maura sing as she worked. Maura had asked her once if she wanted to learn any songs, but Madaha had politely shook her head no, though her eyes beckoned Maura to continue to sing instead.

From Ian, she learned that Madaha lived with her sister and stepfather, after mother had died from malaria two years ago. Her sister, Hasnaa, had been raped by their stepfather and was now pregnant. Madaha's only escape from his abuse was to take refuge in Maura's tent. Her heart ached for the girl, especially for the days she'd come in bruised and battered, and Maura would cringe as she only imagined what else the child had suffered through.

Some days she wished to hold the child and remind her that she was loved, but Maura knew to keep her distance, knew that she could not become attached, seeing as they never stayed in one place for very long. It pained her to know she could not fix this child's life any better than she could fix her own, so she merely sang, trying her best to give her what little hope she had to offer.

XXX

Maura let out a moan as Ian's mouth peppered her bare neck with kisses, his mouth trailing down her chest until it found her breasts.

He was slow and deliberate as he touched her, and it made her feel a little panicked when she realized that their love-making was becoming more and more meaningful each time.

She wanted to have him, hard and fast, but she kept silent, afraid to lose the only thing she still had.

XXX

It was dark when Maura heard the flap of her tent rustle, and she quickly pulled a blanket over her naked body, reaching to shake Ian awake.

"Madaha," she whispered, immediately recognizing the child's dark outline in the faint moonlight.

A bit flustered, she shimmied into a pair of pants and top as quickly as she could manage, cautiously approaching the child. "What's wrong?" she asked in Swahili. "Are you hurt?" She did not expect the child to answer, but she was surprised to hear Madaha's soft voice.

"It's my sister. She's having her baby."

XXX

Six hours later as the sun peaked over the horizon, splashing in through the entrance of the tent, the sharp cry of life cut through the morning.

Maura held the bloody baby boy in her grasp, handing him over to Ian so he could clean him. She took a wet cloth, dabbing it gently against Hasnaa's sweaty forehead.

"How are you feeling?" Maura asked softly, brushing the girl's hair away from her face. She couldn't have been more than fourteen.

"Tired," she whispered, trying to sit up a little. "Can I hold my son now?"

She watched as Ian finished swaddling the baby before she nodded. She placed the baby gently into the girl's outstretched arms, watching her smile. Maura felt a sense of wonder as she realized what beauty could arise from such despair.

"Will you be okay?" she asked softly as Ian packed their supplies, hating to leave them, fearing when their stepfather would return.

Hasnaa nodded, kissing her baby's forehead. Ian left them with water, food, and clean linens, bidding them farewell. Maura reluctantly followed him.

Once they had walked a small distance from the tent, Ian spoke. "We're leaving tomorrow," he stated simply. Maura's stomach clenched.

She turned back, catching site of Madaha standing near the entrance of the tent, her wide eyes following the couple. Maura felt her throat grow tight.

For the first time in a long while, Maura wanted to go home


	5. Chapter V

_How do you show, what can't but should be?_

* * *

_Now_

Maura was ready exactly one hour and thirteen minutes early. _Twelve, _she corrected as she watched her cell phone switch to 7:48.

She had been so frightened that she had lost Jane for good as she had stormed off that afternoon. It had only confirmed that Maura had made the right decision of not contacting her former best friend for the one week that she had been back in Boston.

Maura had had been successful in her efforts - she had pushed herself out of Jane's life, just as she had planned. It was by no means an easy decision, and even though the time she had spent away had numbed the ache, nothing could've prepared her for the rejection she had faced today.

And then the text. Maura had forgotten to breathe for a few seconds as she read the text over and over again, wondering what had made Jane change her mind. She had texted her back immediately with a confirmation, afraid that her undeserved second chance would be swept away before she had the chance to seize it.

Eons later, at 8:45, she finally left, feeling a little nauseous as she drove toward the familiar bar. She didn't know what to expect. Angry words? A plea of forgiveness? She braced herself for the stab of rejection, wondering silently if she could handle any more heartache.

XXX

She found their usual table, checking her phone as she sat down. 8:55. She ordered a glass of wine, hoping it would settle her nerves.

9:00pm. She looked toward the door anxiously each time it swung open, only to have her heart sink in disappointment.

9:05. She wondered if Jane would even bother to show at all.

9:12. She contemplated leaving, her throat tightening up a little as she glanced toward the door one final time. Just as she motioned for the waitress to bring her bill, the door swung open again. Her heart fluttered as she caught sight of Jane. Maura was not used to feeling such uncontrollable emotions, and it frightened her slightly as she lost grip on her typically logical, collected demeanor.

"Hi," she muttered, clenching and unclenching her fingers as Jane sat down opposite of her.

"Sorry I'm late," Jane apologized, tucking a flyaway hair behind her her ear. A flash of light ricocheted off the wedding ring on her finger. Maura's eyes found her face, a rush of emotion knotting in her stomach as she thought about all she had lost. "Bedtime for a four-year-old is probably the most daunting task I've had to undertake."

Maura smiled a little, opening her mouth to speak, but Jane quickly steered the conversation in her own direction, talking to quickly. "So how long have you been back in Boston?" Maura wondered if Jane had rehearsed her questions before arriving. She seemed just as out of her element as Maura as she chewed on her pinky, a mixture of pain and anger dancing in her eyes as Maura processed the question.

"Just a week," Maura muttered, opening her mouth to inform her that she had meant to get in contact with her, but then promptly shutting it. Less was better for now. Jane nodded a few times, and Maura continued to watch her face, trying to decipher what she was thinking, trying to anticipate her next question as she tried desperately to gain a fragment of control in this situation.

The waitress stopped over, and Jane ordered a beer. She found Maura's eyes, her voice a little hoarse as she spoke. "So, uh, how was your research?"

Maura stiffened, reminded of the lie she had fed Jane. She had become no better at lying over the years, but she had managed to convince Jane that she was leaving to do AIDS research in Africa rather than admit the true reason of her departure. It was all for Jane - the lie and her sudden departure. It was all for Jane, even if she still didn't understand.

She found Jane's eyes, lying again. "My trip to Africa was very successful," she stated slowly. It was always easier to lie with fragments of truth. "I accomplished quite a bit while I was over there."

"So you finally find a cure for AIDS?" Jane asked with a tiny smirk.

"No, I have not found a cure – and I doubt I would be able to do it single handedly. There's still a long way to go, but every piece of research is vital," she stated, wishing to leave this topic.

Jane laughed a little, and Maura realized too late that Jane was only being sarcastic. She swallowed, her eyes resting on Jane's wedding band again. "So you and Gabriel," her voice stuck in her throat. "I'm glad to see you've stayed together all these years."

Jane jerked her head up, then followed Maura's gaze to her ring. "Oh, um. No. Not Dean. I'm not, you know, married to Dean. But I am married," she fumbled for the right works, and Maura could practically feel her heart rate accelerating she became more and more flustered.

"Oh, Jane. I'm so sorry. I just assumed. I-"

Jane cut her off. "It's fine, Maur. No biggie, you couldn't have known."

The two were silent for a moment as they separately collected themselves. Maura took in a breath, still trying to process the situation she was sure she had a handle on. "So who is it then?"

"You don't know him," Jane answered, fiddling with her ring. "His name's Sam. He's an officer down at the department – he started working there a few months," her voice caught a little, "uh, a few months after you left."

"Congratulations," Maura forced small smile, her stomach flopping a little. She knitted her eyebrows together as she looked up at Jane, asking the question she had been curious about ever since their chance encounter that afternoon. "There's just one thing I can't seem to grasp, Jane." Jane looked at her quizzically. "Mason. You said he's four. I've only been gone for two and a half years."

"Mason's not my son."


	6. Chapter VI

_Somebody saved me from the world you left_

* * *

_Then_

"Up, up, up," came the distinctive drawl of her mother's voice, followed by a ray of blinding light as she threw open the blinds. "The day isn't getting any younger."

"Jesus, Ma," Jane groaned, tossing a pillow over her face so she could shield her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to keep you from throwing your life away," her mother promptly informed her, tossing aside a pile of laundry as she created a space for herself to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Ma," Jane warned, sitting up and scratching her messy hair. She tried to remember the last time she had showered.

"I'm being serious, Janie. It breaks my heart to see you like this. You're like that girl from those _Twilight_ movies, when her hunky vampire boyfriend leaves her," she added, giving Jane a significant glance.

"What? You saw those?" Jane rolled her eyes. "And I'm fine. Everything's fine. You just need to stay out of my business."

"Fine? Look at this room," she motioned to the neglected clutter. "Look at this apartment. Ever since Maura left -" Jane winced at the sound of her name, which did not go unnoticed by her mother. "Honey, I know it's hard for you to lose your best friend, especially so unexpectedly. She's a sweet girl - I miss her too," he mother added, finding Jane's eyes. "But I'm sure you'll hear from her soon. She's not gone forever," she reminded Jane, and Jane tried her best to ignore the sinking feeling in her belly.

Jane sighed, climbing out of bed, feeling stiff from her recent lack of activity. She picked up a pile of clothes and tossed them into an open dresser drawer. "There. You can leave now," she huffed, glowering at her mother.

Her mother crossed her arms, raising both her eyebrows. "Jane, I'm not gonna sit by and watch you ruin your life."

"I'm not ruining my life, Ma. I was the one who broke of the engagement, remember? My life, my choices. And I'm happy," Jane defended, throwing another pile of clothes into the back of the closet.

"Oh yes, you're oozing in happiness," her mother matched her sarcasm. "Can't a mother care about her baby girl?" she added, reaching for Jane.

Jane swatted her away. "Ew, Ma. Just stop. You're making me even more miserable than I already am. If I help you clean, does that mean you'll leave sooner?" Jane pleaded.

"Jane, you know I really do just want what's best for you," her mother sighed, a serious tone in her voice as she took the pile of clothes previously tossed by Jane out of the closet.

"I know, Ma," Jane sighed, her expression softening a little. She tried to push away the empty feeling in her gut, wondering if it would ever heal. "I know."

XXX

"Hell, no, Korsak. Not a chance," Jane protested, though her eyes rested for a prolonged moment on the new officer, a well built blonde man with a soft face. At least he wasn't hideous, unlike the last three setups Frost and Korsak had tried to force her through.

"Come on, Jane. Just show him around," Frost piped in, following Jane's glance. "That's it. No funny business, we promise. Strictly professional."

Jane scoffed. "Yeah. Sure. Like I'd buy that shit for a minute." But she snatched the manila folder away from Korsak's grasp nevertheless, stomping over to the new officer. "Welcome. glad to have you here. Coffee's downstairs, bathroom's down the hall. Here's your paperwork." She slapped the folder down on his desk. "If you have any questions, don't ask me."

He stared up at her incredulously, and Jane left before he could manage to utter a word. She breezed past Frost and Korsak. "There, happy?"

"You're awful, Jane. But I think you already know that," Frost called after her.

Jane just smirked.

XXX

Jane munched on a bag of chips, brooding a little as she ate her lunch alone. She glanced around the cafeteria, her eyes falling on attractive blonde woman who had just begun working at the coffee shop. She had nice legs, nice boobs, and a pretty face, and for the millionth time, Jane considered that perhaps she was attracted to women instead men.

This revelation did not scare her as it had before Maura had left. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. She felt numb and uncaring, and she was pretty sure she could rob a bank without feeling any sort of regret.

The woman flipped her hair behind her shoulder, smiling pleasantly at her customer. Sure, she was pretty, but Jane felt as indifferent toward her as the attractive new officer now approaching her.

_Shit_, she cursed to herself as she realized he was headed straight for her. She contemplated bolting, but she let out a sigh instead as he sat across from her. "Didn't I scare you off this morning?" She whined, though her annoyance was not as genuine as she intended it to be.

"You're just as sweet as Korsak and Frost made you out to be," he answered with a playful small, this time prepared for her banter unlike this morning.

"Sugar and spice and everything nice," she shrugged, a tiny smirk on her lips.

"Wanna go out with me tonight?" he asked, matching her grin. She couldn't tell if he was serious or just trying to play along.

She glanced over at Korak and Frost, whispering like two middle school girls as they watched the pair. Sure, it would give them some satisfaction, but it would also keep them off her back for a while. She shrugged. "Why the hell not?"

XXX

"Wanna-" Jane paused as she attacked his lips again, tackling him back down to the backseat of his car. She stopped to breathe for a moment. "Wanna come upstairs?" Her voice was husky and alluring, and she was sure she had him right where she wanted him.

She hadn't meant to have a nice time, but Sam had matched her witty, dark humor, and she had felt just a tiny spark. And a spark was a nice change to feeling nothing at all.

"Can't," Sam breathed heavily, running a hand down her side. "First date, first base," he winked, capturing her lips once more before gently pulling away. "See you tomorrow."

As he pulled away, she stood by the edge of the curb for a moment, the chilly autumn air cooling her flushed cheeks. She tried to comprehend what had just happened.

XXX

They had gone on a "date" every night for the past two weeks (Jane refused to consider it actual dating, reminding herself that she was doing it to spare herself from more setups, and for excitement of an impassioned fling to make her feel alive again). Each time, Sam refused to do any more than making out in his car before hastily leaving, much to Jane's chagrin.

Their talks over dinner were slowly becoming less sarcastic and more serious, and Jane felt unsure and panicked, stubbornly refusing to move on though she had so desperately wished for such an opportunity.

It was Monday morning, and she was smiling and humming a little to herself as she paged through a stack of papers.

"Hey, you," she looked up, seeing Sam holding a bouquet of flowers in her direction. He smiled down at her, beckoning for her to take them.

She was flustered for a moment, her cheeks turning pink as she looked for any sign of Frost or Korsak. "What the hell are those for?" she hissed, taking them and shoving them under her desk.

Sam looked hurt and shocked for a moment, but he soon matched her glare with an easy grin. "Ouch, okay. So flowers aren't your thing. I'll have to keep that in mind for future reference."

He left without another word, and Jane looked down at the bouquet between her feet, trying not to cry.

XXX

"Whoa, buddy, watch where you're going." Jane tried to keep her balance as speedy toddler lunged at her with a toy airplane in the cereal aisle, stepping aside just in time.

"Mason! Watch ou—Jane?" She jerked her head up at the sound of her name, recognizing Sam immediately as he scooped up the small boy.

"Sam?" she looked at him curiously, her eyes darting from his face to the smaller version of himself that he held in his arms.

"Fancy seeing you here." Mason squirmed in his grasp, the plane dropping from his grasp. He let out a whimper as it clattered to the ground. Jane picked up the toy, handing it to the toddler, waiting for an explanation.

"Jane, this is Mason...my son," he added, looking abashed.

"Wow," Jane muttered, feeling out of her element. She felt hurt, though she didn't know why. It wasn't like their relationship meant anything, so there was no reason she should've expected the truth. "Great. He's a cute kid."

She grabbed a box of Cheerios, meaning to leave, but Sam reached out to grab her arm. "Wait," his eyes pleaded with her. "I'm sorry, Jane."

She shrugged. And then she left.

XXX

"This seat's taken," she muttered, popping a grape into her mouth as Sam sat down opposite of her at the cafeteria table.

"Look, Jane...I think we need to talk about yesterday. About my son...and all the stuff I haven't told you," he added, looking more bashful than she had even seen him look before.

"Yep, just get it all out now - the wife, the secret family, the secret identity," she scoffed, shrugging.

"Jane, it's not like that," he pleaded with her.

"Look, Sam. It doesn't matter. I really don't care, okay? You have a kid. Great for you." She didn't care. But the twisting in her stomach told her otherwise. Why the hell had she let herself feel something again?

"You do care, Jane," he contradicted, and she had to wonder how he had so much patience with her. "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I just got caught up in our little romance and it took off before I could think of a way to bring it up - and then it just got harder and harder to think of an opportune time the longer and longer it went on."

"It's fine, really. It's not like this was gonna turn into anything anyway," she shrugged again, chewing on another grape.

"That's the thing, Jane," he reached for her hand. She didn't pull away. "I really like you. Like a lot," she almost rolled her eyes at his childlike profession, but she stopped as she found his eyes. "Which is why I want to start over and tell you the whole truth before you decide if you want to walk away."

She shrugged again, waiting for him to continue.

"I was married for three years," he began. "Lucy - god I loved her. I was convinced I was the luckiest man alive," he laughed a little as he uttered the cliche phrase. "And then Lucy got pregnant, and I couldn't remember feeling happier except on the day I married her." Jane was tempted to zone out, his sappy story reminding her of what she had never had. "Lucy was diagnosed with breast cancer in her first trimester. She refused treatment so that the baby could survive, and she died a few months after Mase was born."

Jane's gaze fell. She pulled her hand away from Sam's, unsure of what to say.

"Look, I don't tell you this to make you pity me. I just want you to know, because it's a part of who I am. It's been hell, raising a kid on my own. I love him to death, but he reminds me of her every single day. I thought that Mason was the only thing keeping me going, but when I met you, Jane, I felt something spark in me that I hadn't felt for a long time - something I wasn't sure I'd ever feel again." Jane's stomach flopped as he described the all too familiar feeling. "You're smart, you're pretty, you're funny, and you make me feel something again. And I just want you to know that before you completely write this off." He took in a breath, finding her eyes once again.

Jane sighed, a feeling of relief coursing through her as she let a piece of herself let go. She said nothing, reaching out to take Sam's hand in her own.

XXX

"Mommy, mommy! Look what Daddy and I brought for you!" Mason jumped up onto the bed, snuggling up next to Jane. Her heart melted a little every time he uttered the simple title. She ruffled his hair, smiling down at him.

Sam entered the room a moment later, holding a breakfast tray. "Happy First Anniversary," he whispered, bending down to kiss her cheek softly.

"Eat the pancakes, Mommy. I helped flip them," Mason bragged, bouncing a little beside Jane.

"They look awesome, little man," she praised him, taking a bite. She glanced over at Sam, finding his eyes. _Thank you, _she mouthed, a genuine smile finding her lips, because in reality, she was thanking him for so much more.


	7. Chapter VII

_Every touch, of every scene_

* * *

_Now_

Jane was noticeably tipsy, but she ordered another beer, smiling across the table at Maura, who sipped her second glass of wine delicately.

"So," Jane muttered, twirling a dark curl around her finger. "We've pretty much exhausted me. Tell me more about what you've been doing these past two years."

Maura licked her lips, looking flustered. "Well, after Africa, I traveled around Europe for a while. I have a few friends in various locations from my high school years at _Maison d'éducation de la Légion d'honneur,_" she added, spouting off the name of her fancy French boarding school. "I can't say I have much more news to share with you."

Jane grimaced as she took a large gulp of beer, finding herself wishing that Maura had settled down as well. It would have made it easier, but instead Maura had returned the same as when she had left. She was still her gorgeous, smart, unintentionally charming best friend, whom Jane could not be angry with, not matter how much she wanted to hate Maura for what she had done.

"Hey, look," Jane muttered, her speech slurring a little as she became more inebriated. "I'm sorry about this afternoon. I just wasn't really prepared to see you so unexpectedly." She reached for Maura's hand before she could consider her actions, her thumb stroke Maura's skin softly. "I was convinced I'd never see you again."

"Don't apologize, Jane. It was a perfectly instinctive way for you react, considering the circumstances." Jane watched her avert her gaze away. She gripped Maura's hand a little tighter. "I'm just glad that you contacted me. I-" Maura paused her voice catching, as if she was unsure of her words. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too," Jane answered immediately, almost too quickly. She pulled away from Maura, finishing her beer in one final swig.

Maura smiled hesitantly, motioning for the waitress to bring over the bill. "We should probably be leaving soon," she stated as Jane smacked her empty bottle down on the table. Jane protested mildly as Maura paid the bill, but Maura argued that she probably wouldn't have been able to sign her name in her intoxicated state. Jane had not been able to argue against her logic, so the pair left, Jane tottering slightly as Maura led her out the door.

"Did you drive?" Maura asked a little warily.

Jane shook her head. "I anticipated some mild intoxication this evening, so I figured I'd have a cab driver put up with me," she smirked.

Maura chuckled a little. "I'll call you a taxi," she offered, stepping up toward the curb, but Jane grabbed her arm.

She sobered up slightly as she caught Maura's gaze. "Can we just walk for a little? I'd rather not go home just yet." She wanted to be considerably more sober before returning home to Sam, and she wasn't ready to let Maura go just yet.

"That's fine," Maura replied, tucking her long hair behind her ear, and Jane had to fight the urge to touch it. Instead, she reached for Maura's hand, claiming that it was merely to steady herself, but she left it there, letting it settle into the warmth of Maura's hand. Maura did not protest, letting her own fingers twine through Jane's. The two walked down the street in silence, the night settling around them.

Jane let out a yawn, her pace slowly a little. She lost her footing just a little, and Maura snaked an arm around her waist to steady her. "You okay?"

Jane nodded, tucking her head against Maura's shoulder as she yawned again. "I had this terrible dream," she muttered, her voice giving into yet another yawn, "that you went away for a long time." She snuggled up closer to Maura, her lips brushing against her neck. She felt Maura stiffen, expecting her to pull away, but instead she pulled Jane into an embrace, holding her against her for a moment.

"I'm here now. That's all that matters," she whispered softly, and Jane closed her eyes as she felt Maura's hands gently work through her hair. "Come on," she whispered after a moment, breaking away from the embrace, the chilly air enveloping Jane instead, making her shiver. "Let's get you home."

XXX

Jane had sobered up considerably after the taxi ride home, left only with a massive headache as she dragged herself up the steps, collapsing against the bed next to her husband.

"Fun night?" he muttered, bending down to kiss her lips lightly, before chuckling a little. "It tastes like you did." He deepened the kiss for a moment before pulling away. Jane held her breath.

She propped herself up on her elbow, smiling up at him. "Yeah, I did have a nice time. It was nice to catch up," she added vaguely, feeling a little dizzy as she glanced around the room. Maybe she wasn't as sober as she thought.

"Who was it that you saw again?" Sam questioned, brushing Jane's hair away from her shoulder. He kissed her neck softly. Jane quivered slightly. She wasn't in the mood to be touched right now.

"Maura. My best friend," she added automatically, her throat feeling a little heavy after she spoke the words.

"I'm surprised I haven't heard about this best friend until tonight." His lips found hers again, but she turned her face so that he captured her cheek instead.

"She's an old friend," she quickly explained. In all the time that she had known Sam, she had tactfully avoided the topic of Maura, not ready to delve into it herself, let alone analyze it with another. "We lost contact for a while." She left it at that, watching Sam nod as he considered her words.

"You'll have to invite her over sometime so I can meet her," he smiled. Jane knew he meant well, but she was hardly open to the idea of integrating Maura into her married life. She wasn't even sure how much she'd continue seeing Maura, but she did know that she wanted to keep her strictly separate from this life she had built from herself.

"I'm beat," Jane yawned, avoiding his statement as she tossed her clothes into the hamper and grabbed one of Sam's t-shirts to sleep in. She crawled into bed, flinching unexpectedly as Sam played gently with her hair.

"Someone's jumpy," Sam laughed, snuggling up behind her after turning out the lights. She said nothing, willing herself to relax against his touch, growing drowsier by the moment. She tottered on the edge of consciousness and slumber before Sam's voice aroused her. "Before you fall asleep, I was just wondering if you'd given any more thought to what we talked about last night."

"Hmm?" she muttered, too sleepy to properly process his question and respond accordingly.

"You officially adopting Mason," he reminded her. She jerked awake, her heart pounding a little faster as she became fully conscious. Mason had been calling her "mommy" for ages now, and though she had easily fit into the role and wouldn't trade the title for the world, the thought of something tying her down to an even greater extent seemed smothering, no matter how much she loved the little boy. She thought of Maura once again, knowing that she bore no influence on her decision. But somehow Maura's return had further complicated everything.

"We'll talk more tomorrow," Jane promised, her voice still heavy with sleep. Sam wrapped his arms around her, the usual feeling of comfort gone as she felt constricted instead.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry that it took me a little bit longer to get this chapter up. I started work this week so I've been busy and tired. Also, I want to thank you all for your lovely reviews. Your feedback is very helpful as I write this story, and I value your thoughts and opinions more than I can express. And don't worry for all of you who have questions - I promise they'll be answered soon. _


	8. Chapter VIII

_But if you disappear you'll still hear when my heart hits the ground_

* * *

_Then_

"Look what I have," Maura smiled as she sat down opposite of Jane for lunch. Mrs. Rizzoli immediately spotted the pair from her perch behind the front counter of the coffee shop, scurrying over to the table before either woman had a chance to react.

"Ohh wedding magazines!" Mrs. Rizzoli clasped her hands together in delight, looking down to the items Maura had brought to the table along with her lunch. "It's about time you got Janie to look at some of these." She raised an eyebrow at her daughter. Jane only scowled.

Maura looked up and smiled pleasantly at the woman she had grown to love as mother figure of her own. "Yes, I brought them bec-"

Maura was immediately interrupted by Jane, her tone dripping in annoyance. "Ma, why don't you go back there and make us the most complicated thing you have on the menu, kay?"

"Obviously I'm not wanted here," Mrs. Rizzoli frowned, sighing dramatically, and Maura opened her mouth to protest politely, but Angela continued instead, "You can't hide from it forever, Janie," she warned, and then she turned to Maura. "If she won't pick, I leave it all in your hands. In fact, we may just be better off if we do that, regardless," she added before she returned to her post.

"God, I'm gonna kill her," Jane sighed, running a hand through her dark curls. "And I'm gonna kill you too, Maur," she glared at her best friend, who in turn looked away in a somewhat guilty manner. Jane snatched up a magazine, paging through it quickly. "Yep, I hate it all."

"Oh, stop," Maura tutted, picking up the other magazine, flipping to a page with an elegant, yet simple dress. "I think this one suits you perfectly," she encouraged, turning the magazine to show Jane. Jane only scrunched her nose, followed quickly by an eyeroll.

"You must like something," Maura sighed. "It is your wedding after all. It's only natural for you to have some sort of excitement as you anticipate this joyous day."

"What are you, some kind of walking ad for those hideous poof balls?" Jane scoffed, slamming the cover of the magazine shut.

Maura felt slightly hurt and flustered as she tucked the magazines away in her bag. The past year had brought an onslaught of change, and Maura was trying to handle the sudden turn her life had taken with as much finesse and support as possible.

Patrick Doyle's death had been the crux of it all. Maura's anger had waned quickly, and it had brought the two closer together as Maura feared to face the next steps of her life alone. But it had also brought Dean and Jane closer as well. When she had announced her engagement three months ago, it had knocked the wind out of Maura for a moment.

Jealousy had been her primary reaction. It was always a prominent feeling when it came to her best friend's relationship with the agent, though she was good at brushing it aside as she focused on the happiness of her friend. It was all she ever wanted for Jane - true happiness, but as Jane became happier and began settle, Maura began more restless. Denial had told her that she only wanted what Jane had - a kind, stable man she loved enough to spend the rest of her life with, but itchy, envious feeling she got when she thought of Jane and Dean was not because of what Jane had - it was because of what Dean had.

As a child, Maura had never known true love. She had received care and contentment from her parents, but love was a foreign emotion in her household. She had been a loner as a child, content to bury herself in the vast knowledge of book instead of seeking companionship. In her high school years, she had experienced the physical act of love for the first time, but she was still nowhere near experiencing it on an emotional level.

But then she had met Jane. Their friendship had delicately budded into a fierce devotion, and though it took Maura a while to identify this unfamiliar feeling, she had soon classified it as the legendary love she had never experienced before. Jane was everything to her, and as her best friend helped her through her father's death, Maura clung to this love more desperately. Dating the countless men in her life was only a game - she couldn't imagine a day without wanting Jane in her life, in all the ways possible. It was such a raw, strange feeling, to know she had found the one person who could make her whole in every aspect. It defined a word she had never been sure she had believed in until now. Jane was her soulmate.

But Jane had found another person to fill what Maura wanted to be for her. Though she had not lost her best friend, and empty feeling had settled deep in Maura's stomach as she thought about Jane sharing the rest of her life with someone who was not her. But she pushed past that selfish feeling, instead focusing on what Jane wanted. Jane's happiness did not ensure Maura's happiness, but she loved her enough to step to the side to grant her friend this happiness.

"Sorry, Maur," Jane apologized, her expression softening ever so slightly. "Can we just take a break for the wedding stuff? Dean and I don't even have a date set yet...and it's kind of overwhelming me," she admitted, and Maura nodded apologetically. Throwing herself into Jane's happiness had been her method of coping, but perhaps just focusing on their own friendship would be enough.

"Of course - I apologize. You know how I am with events," she forced a small laugh. "I'm a precise planner, but we have time." She reached out to pat Jane's hand reassuringly.

_We have time_, she repeated the words to herself, the simple phrase bringing her a wave of comfort.

XXX

"What the-Jane, how did you get in here?" Maura asked, jolted by surprise as she opened her front door, surprised to find it unlocked with Jane sprawled out on her couch.

Maura had stayed late at the station, examining a body that was giving them a particular amount of difficulty in determining a cause of death. Maura's precise and methodical way of working always brought her comfort - facts and figures never changed, unlike the her unpredictable emotions.

"You gave me a copy of your key when I had to watch Bass that weekend you went to that convention, remember?" Jane reminded her, taking a large swig of wine, straight from the bottle.

Maura chuckled a little, sitting down on the edge of the couch. "I'd tell you to make yourself at home, but it appears you already have. What are you watching?" She turned her head toward the muted television.

"Some documentary about evolution...there was nothing good on so I went to your DVR. And there was nothing good there either," her words slurred together ever so slightly as she took another sip of wine.

"Why are you here?" Maura finally asked, then promptly added with a hint of panic and concern in her voice, "Is everything okay?"

Jane nodded. "Dean's away for the weekend. Got a little lonely," she admitted. "I miss you," she added, sighing lightly as she found Maura's gaze.

Maura's heart fluttered softly. She smiled at Jane. "We see each other for approximately eight hours each day," she reminded Jane.

"Yeah, well," Jane muttered, a goofy smile on her face. "S'not nearly enough." She slumped over, her head falling against Maura's lap. Maura dared to let her fingers dance gently through Jane's hair.

Jane continued to smile, closing her eyes. Maura locked her eyes on the screen, her stomach twisting in jealousy, nostalgia, and emptiness, reminding herself that all she wanted was for Jane to be happy.

XXX

_My dearest Maura,_

_I apologize that it has been so long since I have last replied. I have not had Internet access for a few months now, and I cannot promise that the source I have now will be reliable. I've very much enjoyed our correspondence over the past year - it is always so good to hear from you, and I only wish we could talk more frequently. _

_I know you expressed some interest in joining me, and as always, my offer still stands. I'll be in Uganda for the next few months, and if you do wish to make the continental trek, please let me know, and I'll make arrangements to have you join me. _

_All my love, _  
_Ian_

Maura finished the email, a small smile tugging at her lips. It was a lovely feeling, to be wanted, and though distance was always a factor in her relationship with Ian, it gave her a shred of hope as she became increasingly lonelier.

"What are you up to?" Jane's voice startled her, and she immediately switched screens, her heart thumping against her chest. She knew Jane would hardly approve of her rekindling things with her criminal love interest. "Shoe shopping. Should've guessed," Jane scoffed, and Maura could imagine her eyes rolling.

She clicked on a pair of Jimmy Choo pumps. "What do you think of these?" her voice came out collected and smooth, no trace of her anxiousness seeping through.

"Why don't you buy yourself a nice pair of flats and give your feet a break?" Jane replied, leaning against Maura's desk.

"Because I like how the heel of a shoe accentuates the shape of my leg," Maura replied with a devious wink. She pushed her leg out from under the desk, as if to demonstrate her point.

"Uh, well, you do make a good point," Jane coughed a little, and Maura felt her eyes rest on her leg for a prolonged moment. She tugged her gaze away, finding Maura's eyes instead. "I was just about to head to _The Dirty Robber _for a drink and dinner. Wanna come? I've got some, uh, wedding stuff I wanted to discuss with you, too."

"I'd love to," Maura replied, feeling lonelier than ever, despite Jane's obvious efforts to keep her as a part of her life. "Just give me five minutes - I have an email I need to reply to."

XXX

"I'm leaving," Maura's voice was small, almost undetectable as it echoed softly off the walls of the morgue. The pair had been working in silence for some time now, and even without consulting a clock, Maura knew it was late.

"That's fine," Jane muttered absentmindedly. Maura could see her flipping between a list of convicted criminals and a bridal website. She had been expressing more interest in her wedding as the date drew ominously closer. "I'll close up."

"No, Jane," Maura spoke, her voice a little louder this time. Jane looked up from the screen. "I'm leaving - leaving Boston," she felt her heart race a little as finally spoke the words out loud. "I handed in my resignation a week ago. I, um," she stuttered, forcing the lie out of her lips. "I got a research grant from Boston Cambridge that I applied for a while ago - I'm going to be doing AIDS research in Africa," her voice trailed off, becoming lost in the silence.

Jane's eyes widened, she she didn't speak for a moment as she stared at Maura with an expression that made Maura ache. "What the fuck, Maura?" she finally spoke, her voice thick with betrayal. "Since when? Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"

"I, um," she paused, collecting herself, leading herself smoothly through the lie. "I wasn't sure if I'd get the grant, so I didn't want to mention it to anyone. It came as quite a surprise to me," she added quickly, stopping herself before she began to ramble. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Jane stood, approaching Maura, the expression she wore tearing Maura apart. She almost spilled the truth then, afraid to hurt the person she loved the most. But she reminded herself that this was for Jane. There were so many moments when she was sure that Jane felt the same way about her that Maura felt for her. The lingering gazes, the accelerated heart rates, the subtle touches - it excited Maura, though it scared her. She blamed some of Jane's reluctance to fully embrace her engagement and impending wedding on herself as it was becoming harder and harder for Maura. She wanted to let Jane experience full happiness without her getting in the way.

Of course, it wasn't all for Jane, though Maura wished that her intentions did not have to be selfish. She could no longer bear the impending loneliness. She could no longer stand the idea of sitting by idly as the person she loved most married another. Maura needed to separate herself from Jane before it hurt too much.

"Fuck, Maur. You just can't get up and leave." Jane's eyes were wild and desperate as they found Maura's. "When are you going?"

"I leave tomorrow," Maura muttered softly, tugging her eyes away from Jane's harrowing glare.

"You can't just leave," Jane pleaded, reaching to grab Maura's arm. Maura reminded herself to take in deep breath. She had prepared herself for this. Separation would do them both some good.

"I have to do this, Jane," Maura pleaded in return, acutely aware of Jane's hand on her arm. Her grasp tightened, as if to keep Maura locked in place. Maura closed her eyes, feeling tears sting the corner of her eyes.

"Fuck you, Maura," Jane's voice was rough and angry, but Maura could sense the tears in distress in her voice as well. Jane's face was now dangerously close to Maura's, and she could feel her short breaths against her face. Her heart slammed against her chest, her breath quickening to match Jane's.

Wild emotion pounded through Maura's usually sensible mind, and for a moment, all she could focus on was Jane's proximity. Her face was close enough that Maura could see each crevice and detail of her skin, and she noticed her eyes welling in angry tears as well. Maura's mind continued to pulse as he eyes dances across Jane's face, so much emotion radiating off her, and before she could rationally consider her actions, she captured Jane's lips in her own.

An electrical charge pulsed through her as she pressed her lips fervently against the other woman's, the taste and passion of her almost too much for her to bear. The kiss could've lasted eons or seconds - Maura could not comprehend the passage of time as her every thought and emotion practically exploded.

And then she pulled away.

She clamped a hand over her mouth, an expression of horror claiming her face as she registered what she had just done. Jane was still only inches from her, her face petrified in shock. Maura licked her lips, tasting Jane on her, her heart pounding wildly as she berated herself for so unfairly giving into her impulses. A tiny whimper escaped her lips as she gently pushed Jane away. She opened her mouth to apologize, but she could not force the words out. Jane let out a smile noise, indistinguishable, but Maura could not make out what she meant to say. She stumbled slightly on her heels before steadying herself.

And then she left._  
_

* * *

_A/N: What an episode tonight :] So pumped for this season. Of course, this story is now categorized as AU because I plan to continue on the course I had planned instead of incorporating what may happen in this season. Thanks for reading. Your feedback keeps me going!_


	9. Chapter IX

_All we have holding us back_

* * *

_Now_

"Mommy, is Maura coming now?" Mason asked anxiously for the umpteenth time, his nose pressed up against the glass of the front window.

"Soon, Mase," Jane promised for the hundredth time, running her fingers through his blonde hair. She let out a sigh, feeling a bit fidgety. She and Maura had met up a few other times after their initial night out, talking tactfully over coffee as they avoided delving into anything too messy. It was a relief to Jane to have her best friend back, despite the tension she felt each time they interacted, but she was desperate to cling to her this time, afraid of what would happen if she lost her again.

"Did Maura make the boo-boo all better?" Mason asked, sticking his tongue against the glass.

"Mase, don't lick that," Jane sighed, tugging him away gently. "And yes, remember I told you this morning? Maura made everything better, and Mommy is happy she's here now," she explained in the simplest terms.

"And now she's gonna come over and play," Mason announced excitedly, once again taking his perch at the window.

"Yes, but remember what you promised? If I let you play with Maura for a little, you have to go straight down for your nap," Jane eyed him.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes," Mason chanted, swirling his tongue against the window again, and this time, Jane couldn't be bothered to scold him.

It was Saturday, and Sam had planned to take Mason out fishing in the park, but he had been called into work, leaving Jane with the boy for the afternoon. Jane had called to cancel her plans with Maura, but the other woman had insisted that it would be fine to have Mason around.

"She's here! She's here! She's here!" Mason exclaimed, running over to the front door of the town house. Jane chuckled a little, amused, though slightly confused, about the boy's adoration for her best friend.

Mason opened the door before she even had a chance to knock. It was strange to have Maura step into her house. It was a world she had created so separately from her that Maura seemed out of place as she began to integrate herself into it. She was glad Sam wasn't home – she had no plans to introduce the two of them anytime soon, despite Sam's request to meet this mysterious best friend of hers. She was determined to keep them as separate as possible, her emotions easier to keep a handle on if she did not have to think of regret and consequences.

"Maura!" Mason squealed, attaching himself to one of Maura's leg.

"Oh!" Maura squeaked in surprise, her hands flailing for a moment before she gently touched the boy's back.

"He's been anxiously awaiting your arrival all day," Jane informed Maura, leaning over Mason to embrace the other woman briefly. "I'm not quite sure why he's so excited to see you. You sure do seem to love Maura a lot for only meeting her once, buddy," Jane laughed a little, looking down at the toddler.

"It's 'cause Maura brung me back to you. And she maked the boo-boo go away and now Mommy is happy, happy, happy!" He squeezed Maura's legs a little tighter.

"Boo-boo?" Maura asked in confusion, finding Jane's eyes.

"I'll explain later," Jane muttered back with a small smile.

"Mase, why don't you choose one thing to play with Maura, then it's time for you nap." Jane turned her attention toward the energetic toddler.

Mason pulled away from Maura, looking thoughtful. "I choose coloring!" he announced, grabbing Maura's hand and leading her anxiously over to the kitchen table.

"Sorry," Jane mouthed, knowing that this was a lot for Maura to take in. But Maura only smiled in return.

Mason handed out the paper, and Jane helped him get the crayons down from the shelf. "I pick my colors first!" he shouted, a little out of breath from all his excitement, and Jane had to remind him that they all needed to share.

Jane began to draw a couple flowers and a sun, always her default drawing when Mason asked her to color with him. Mason eagerly threw himself into his indistinguishable masterpiece. Maura looked unsure as she glanced down at her blank paper.

"What are you drawing, Mason?" Maura asked him, peeking over at his paper.

"No peeking!" he practically shrieked. "It's the rule we show the pictures only when they are all done."

"Oh, sorry," mumbled Maura, still looking a little clueless as she picked up a crayon.

Five minutes later, Mason was done, announcing that he was ready to share. "I drawed a spaceship," he explained, pointing to a reddish blob on the paper. "And inside is me and Mommy and Maura," he pointed to some scribbles on top of it.

"Where's Daddy?" Jane asked as she glanced over at Mason's drawing.

"Off the paper somewhere," Mason explained. "Because he's always at stupid work."

"Mase, stupid is not a nice word," Jane reminded him, frowning a little at his comment. Maura looked up at Jane as Mason scowled at his paper.

"But he's always there not here with us. That's why I didn't put him in Spaceship," Mason further explained, smoothing out his picture and pouting a little as he looked down at it.

"Wanna see what I drew?" Jane suggested, not about to let this turn into a tantrum while Maura was here.

Mason glanced over, his frown only growing. "That's what you always draw." He turned to Maura instead, who had remained quiet throughout Mason's small outburst. "What did you maked?"

"Well, I never seemed to have acquired any artistic talent, but I remember in college I made a detailed diagram of the digestive tract, and it's all I could think to draw..." she trailed off, pushing her crayon replica of said project toward the center of the table.

"What is 'digesive track?'" Mason asked curiously, abandoning his own picture as he leaned over the table to take a closer look at Maura's quite meticulously drawn picture. Jane smirked a little. Maura was so ridiculously lovable that she couldn't help but to smile.

"The digestive track is a series of organs in which everything we consume goes through and then is eventually eliminated as waste." Mason gave her a blank stare. Maura tried again. "It's where the food goes after you eat it."

"You mean like my belly?" Mason asked, lifting up his shirt to reveal his stomach as he questioned her.

"Yes, the stomach is a crucial organ in the digestive process," Maura explained, forgetting to simplify once again. "And here you can see the other organs that aid in this process."

Mason touched the lines carefully. "All of those are inside of you, Mase," Jane helpfully explained, and Mason looked up in wonder.

"You mean its like if a camera got on my inside?" he asked.

Jane laughed a little. "Sort of. So are you ready for you nap?"

Mason's face fell immediately. "No, please one more game?" he asked hopefully.

"Mason," Jane warned. "Remember you promised?"

"But Mommy please I'm not sleepy, and I want to play with Maura," he pouted, folding his small arms across his chest.

Again, Maura didn't speak, merely observing the pair as they partook in a dynamic that did not include her.

"What if Maura reads you one book before your nap?" Jane bartered with him, glancing over at Maura to make sure that Maura agreed to this as well. She immediately nodded.

Mason agreed, and he picked his book, demanding that Maura sit on the bed with him. He snuggled up to her as she began to read the book. Jane watched from the doorway, smiling involuntarily at the pair, ignoring the slight pang in her heart.

"_The Very Hungry Caterpillar_," Maura began, flipping open the cover. "In the light of the moon a little egg lay on a leaf. One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and pop! Out of the egg came a very hungry caterpillar." She continued to read, but frowned as the caterpillar began to eat his way through various food items. "This is biologically inaccurate," she mumbled as Mason stuck his finger through the tiny hole in each piece of food. He popped the thumb of his free hand into his mouth.

"Maur, it's a children's book," Jane reminded her with a chuckle. Maura sighed, but she continued reading. By the end of the book, Mason's eyes were drooping. He absentmindedly twirled a strand of Maura's long honey colored hair around his finger, his thumb still planted in his mouth.

"Have a nice nap, Mason," Maura whispered, brushing his hair away from his forehead softly as she tucked him in. The pang in Jane's heart hit her harder.

"Motherhood suits you," Maura smiled as she and Jane stepped away from the door.

"Can't say you'd be so shabby either," Jane blushed a little from her comment and found Maura's eyes. The pair entered the living room, arranging themselves on the couch. "So you think you'll settle down anytime soon?" Jane found herself asking; either of Maura's answers would inevitably leave a pit in her gut.

"No," Maura answered too fast. "I mean, perhaps if I entered into a relationship with the right person," she added, looking away from Jane.

"You meet any guys when you were gallivanting across the globe?" Jane asked with a forced chuckle. "That's a topic we haven't delved into," she prodded, dreading the answer as much as curiously awaited it.

Maura fidgeted for a moment, licking her lips before she answered. "It's really not important."

"Come on, Maur," Jane attempted to keep the tone light, though her curiosity was quickly winning over her dread. "I know you can't tell a lie. You must've found yourself a couple of hot European men."

"A few," Maura managed a smile, saying nothing else.

She looked a bit queasy, but Jane continued her game. "Or perhaps even a beautiful _mademoiselle, oui_?" Jane dared to suggest with a wink.

Maura turned scarlet, and Jane immediately regretted her words as she imagined Maura with another woman, the idea somehow inflaming her quite a bit more than the image of her being with a man. "Do tell of you adventures." There was a bit of bitterness in Jane's tone, but she could not bring herself to stop her inquisition now that she had begun.

Maura sighed. "Yes, I slept with various people when I was in Europe – and yes, that includes women," she admitted. "But Jane – there's something I need to tell you," her voice became a bit desperate, and Jane watched her face contort in guilt. "Something I should have told you quite a bit ago."

Jane's heart slammed against her chest as she assumed the worst, her mind going a little wild from the anticipatory tone in Maura's voice.

"I didn't go to Africa because I had a research grant," she said in a rush, and for a moment, Jane could not comprehend her unexpected words. "There was never a grant," she admitted, and Jane narrowed her eyes. "I went to Africa so I could," she choked over her words and had to regain her composure. "So I could be with Ian."

Jane didn't speak for a moment, a rush of anger and inadequacy coursing through her. "You _what? _You lied to me, Maura?" her voice was coarse with tears of her own. "All these years...I thought you left because you _had _to, not because you were off _fucking _Dr. Africa."

"Please, Jane, it's not like-" Maura pleaded with her.

"Not like what?" Jane cut her off. "I needed you, Maura. I needed my best friend, and you just left. You left me for a _fucking _criminal."

"Jane, I got scared," Maura finally edged a word in. "You were getting married, you were happy – and I got scared of being alone...of watching you be happy." Her eyes were pooled with tears, and Jane fought to control her own waterworks.

"Fuck, Maur," Jane ran a hand through her hair, feeling hurt, angry, and helpless. "I wasn't happy – I was scared too. I was scared of everything I'd ever felt for you, and finally when you got the courage to do what I could never do...when you kissed me, I was ready, but then you were gone," Jane squeaked out the last bit, her tears spilling over as she glanced over at Maura.

"I'm so sorry," Maura whispered, not longer trying to defend herself. Her cheeks were drenched in tears.

Jane's anger waned. When she admitted it to herself, she was more frustrated at herself than she ever had been at Maura. Without even considering her actions, fueled slightly by anger, but mostly by pure desire, she leaned across the couch and cupped Maura's chin in her hand, bending down to press her lips against Maura's.

Maura stiffened beneath her touch, letting out a small whimper of shock that soon morphed into contentment. Jane kissed her for a moment, relishing in the feel of her soft lips beneath her own, before Maura pulled away.

"Jane," she whispered. "You can't – we can't..." she trailed off, her voice lost as Jane's thumb gently stroked her cheek.

"You don't know how long I've wanted to do that," Jane spoke through her tears. She bent in to kiss her gently again. "How long I've waited." She kissed her again. "How long I tried to forget." This time, she pulled away, retreating to her side of the couch.

"Oh, Jane," Maura's voice was small. Neither of them knew what to say. She waited for Maura to wash away all her worries, for everything to feel right instead of drenched in guilt. "We can't," she whispered softly again.

Jane winced at the thought of her husband and the little boy sleeping peacefully down the hall. She thought of the years she had waited, but she had done so in fear, and now the consequences tumbled down on her. She thought of what she wanted, images of two separate lives flashing in her mind, and her stomach hurt as the thoughts overwhelmed her. She buried her face in her hands, and she felt the couch shift as Maura rose.

"I should go," Maura whispered, her voice strained.

Jane nodded, but she didn't look up.

* * *

_A/N: So sorry for the wait. I haven't forgotten about this story - I've just been busy with work and family stuff. Hopefully I'll be updating more frequently in the near future. Thanks so much for your feedback!_


	10. Chapter X

_An escape from the world I'm in. Oh, I'm afraid of the world I'm in_

* * *

_Then_

"Give me a shot of the most expensive liquor you have," Maura asked in flawless French with a slight wink in the bartender's direction, her voice husky and seductive.

The bartender smiled pleasantly, granting her request. She took in a deep breath of the smoky, musty air before she downed the shot in one gulp, the alcohol burning her throat as she swallowed. She took in another breath before nudging the glass back toward the bartender.

"Another?" he asked, and she nodded, performing the action once again, feeling a little nauseous as she slammed her glass back down to the counter. She caught her breath, letting the effects of the alcohol settle.

After ten months in Africa, Maura and Ian had parted ways. He had continued on with his nomadic, missionary lifestyle while Maura had planned to return home to the states. But instead she found herself in France, nothing left to return to at home. She was not sure that she could bear the ache in her heart she felt as she imagined Jane married to Gabriel, so with her life savings, she had decided to embrace a rootless existence as she traveled around Europe.

She had booked herself a room in a pricey hotel without a foreseeable departure in mind. She spent her evenings bar hopping, bringing men home with her every now and then as she tried her best to fill the void that consumed her.

She sighed, the shots already making her a bit lightheaded as the alcohol poisoned her system and took advantage of her empty stomach. She had lost weight, food losing its typical appeal as she hardly functioned on a day to day basis, feeling more like a zombie than a human being.

"One more," she asked once she had caught her breath, nuding the glass toward the bartender a final time. Her eyes watered at she downed it quickly, paying the bartender with a generous tip before she stumbled slightly toward her next destination.

She was not in a nice part of town, but she found herself caring minimally. The streets reeked of urine, and she had to watch her footing as she walked down the filthy sidewalk. The next bar was a couple blocks down, a distance not worth calling a cab for, but one long enough to feel like a task in her intoxicated state.

"Hey, gorgeous," a man called out in French from across the street, and Maura could feel his eyes on her nearly bare legs. She turned toward him, her hair flipping as she caught his gaze for a moment, and then she continued, holding her head a little high as she broke into a strut.

"Babe." She heard his heavy footsteps behind her, but she ignored him. He had been too old and disgruntled for her taste. She strut a little faster, but she could hear his feet approaching her. Even with her refined experience in walking in heels, she was still not fast enough to outwalk him.

"Babe, wait up," he voice slurred a little, and she felt his sweaty hand brush her elbow. She tried to to walk faster, but her drunken companion was persistent.

"Is this man bothering you?" She turned her head sharply just in time to see a taller, well built man swiftly strike a blow to her stalkers face. She stopped in her tracks, her mouth hanging open as she watched the man fall to the ground.

"Thank y-" but she could not finish her words, because as quickly as the man had come to her aid, she felt his first come in contact with her jaw as well. She let out a whimper, tasting blood in her mouth as she stumbled backward. Though Maura was gifted in the martial arts, her shock and intoxicated state kept her from using these skills efficiently.

He hit her again, this time in her stomach, and she crumpled to the ground as she fought to catch her breath. He tugged at her purse, but Maura clenched it against her side, finally finding the strength to retaliate. She rose to her feet, only to have him lock her in his grip. She lifted her elbow, jabbing his chin, using his moment of surprise to wiggle free from his grasp. He kneed her in the stomach again, she she gritted her teeth, her fist hitting his face. His moment of recovery was not long enough. He shoved her up against the wall of the closet building, her head hitting against eh bricks with a sickening thud. Her head went dizzy and her vision blurred. She tried to scream for help, but she could barely make more than a squeak. As his fist made contact with face again, she noticed a figure approaching her, blurry in her strained line of vision. It was a woman; she had dark curly hair, and despite her peril, Maura felt her heart flutter slightly.

"Jane," she mumbled, a tiny smile on her lips.

And then everything went black.

XXX

She woke up in a strange room, the world spinning above her eyes as she tried to recollect how she had gotten here.

Her face throbbed, and she winced at she tried to sit up. She was in a bed, but she was not in her hotel room. As her eyes focused, she noticed she was in a sparsely decorated bedroom. Sunlight danced in through the titled blinds, making a dusty pattern against the duvet.

"You're awake." The voice startled her, and she turned too sharply, whimpering a little from her raw wounds. She noticed a pretty woman about her own age sitting in the chair beside her. Her hair was dark and curly, her skin mildly tanned. She was beautiful in a familiar way that made Maura's heart feel heavy.

"Where am I?" Maura asked, her jaw searing in pain as she spoke. She reached to touch the bone, assessing the damage. It didn't feel broken or dislocated, despite the pain. She assumed a bad bruising, but she was never one to guess; Maura diagnosed only after performing a proper examination.

"You are safe," the woman spoke, this time in English, and it startled Maura for a moment before she realized she had accidentally defaulted to her native tongue.

Maura fully rose to a sitting position, wincing again, predicting bruising in her ribs as well. "What happened? My purse," she panicked for a moment, the details of the mugging rushing back.

"He took your purse, I apologize," the woman spoke her regrets, "but he left shortly after, and I took you here to my home, where you would have no more harm and heal," she continued, her English a little broken.

"Thank you," Maura smiled, the panic from her stolen purse subsiding faster than she expected. The small defining factors of her life had been taken from her - her credit cards, her licence, her passport, and her phone, but none seemed as significant as she had previously viewed them to be. She felt a weight lift off her shoulders, a dash of freedom, as she let the burdens of her past life slip away. Why did she need to be Maura any longer? Perhaps a fresh start was all she needed to free herself from the binds of guilt and regret that had been suppressing her.

"What were you doing in such a part of town?" the woman asked, scooting a little closer to the bed.

"We can speak French," Maura offered, her words in French. "I know it as well as English." She thought for a moment before answering the woman's question. "I can't say I have a definitive or sound answer - I suppose I just stopped caring."

The woman nodded, and understanding glint in her eyes. Then she spoke. "It is okay, English is good for me. I must learn so I can teach my daughter," she explained, smiling fondly.

"How old is your daughter?" Maura asked politely, glad to have the conversation directed away from herself.

"She is eight years, growing like a little sprout. Her name is Nadine," the woman added, her smile growing by the moment.

"What a pretty name," Maura responded. "As pretty as it's meaning," she further added. "Hope."

"Yes, that is why I picked it. And I apologize I did not tell you what I myself am called. I am Liset," she said.

Maura hesitated for a moment before giving her own name. She was tempted to formulate a new name for herself as she wished desperately to free herself from her past, but deliberately lying was not Maura's forte, so she let out a sigh and spoke her given name instead, "I'm Maura."

Liset smiled. "I am glad to meet you."

"You as well," she answered appreciatively. "I apologize for my occupancy of this room - though I do appreciate it, considering the circumstances," Maura spoke, feeling appreciative of her victor, shuddering at the thought of what would have happened if she had been left unconscious in the street. "I won't extend my welcome, however, so I can leave if you would direct me toward the _Hotel de Crillon_," though she wondered how far she would get without her key or any sort of identification. Maura felt a little dizzy from the pain as she tried to climb out of the bed, but she gritted her teeth and assured herself she would tend to her wounds later.

"Oh, no, no, you are no trouble at all. You are still wounded, and you may stay until you heal more. No trouble, I promise you," she quickly assured her. "Get some more rest, and I will be back with food later," Liset promised her.

Maura did not protest, and as soon as Liset left, she let herself drift off into a mindless slumber.

XXX

It was dark when Maura awoke this time. A tray of water, bread, and soup rested on the nightstand beside the bed, and Liset occupied the same chair as before, except this time she snored softly.

Maura wondered if she had taken Liset's bed or if the woman merely felt the need to keep a watch on her. She realized she had no idea where she was. The blinds were closed too far for her to see out the window. She could have been in a house, an apartment, perhaps even miles away from the city, and it suddenly made Maura feel anxious when she realized how little Liset had revealed to her.

Her bladder was uncomfortably full, though she hardly wanted to wake the sleeping woman and ask for her aid once more. She slipped out of the bed as soundlessly as she could, surprised when she found the door locked, confirming her suspicions that Liset was perhaps hiding something from her. _Or hiding me from something_, she further reasoned, fumbling for the lock quietly in the dark until she heard it click softly. Liset stirred, but she did not wake, and Maura padded softly down the hall in search of a bathroom.

The hall was lined with doors, all closed, a few of them with signs that read _occupé_. Maura listened for any sort of movement behind any of them. She jumped when the door on the far end of the hall flew open, and a girl clad in a scanty set of lingerie tiptoed out the door, startling as well when she caught a glimpse of Maura. She disappeared behind a door at the end of the hall, which Maura presumed was the restroom.

The pieces slowly began to fall into place. From the little Maura had witnessed, it appeared that Liset ran some sort of a brothel. While prostitution was legal in France, the operation of a whore house was not, so Liset's secrecy was now justified. Maura heard the toilet flush, and she received another wide stare from the girl as she left the bathroom.

Maura stepped into the tiny restroom, the pungent smell of sweat, urine, and perfume assaulting her nose. She relieved herself, padding quickly down the hall, glad to find Liset still sleeping soundly.

It took her longer to fall asleep this time, and she turned on her side, Liset looking painfully like Jane in the hazy darkeness.

XXX

It was light again when Maura awoke this time.

Liset was awake as well, and she greeted Maura with a smile. "You look like you feel much better this morning. I imagine you have to relieve your bladder - I can bring you to a restroom, and then I will bring you breakfast."

Maura felt her cheeks grow hot as she turned her eyes away from Liset's. "I woke up last night and used the restroom down the hall," Maura admitted, watching Liset's eyes widen. They exchanged a knowing glance. "I apologize," Maura added. "I did not want to wake you."

"It is no use for fuss, we just worry when those who are not customers come here," she admitted. "I also apologize because I have this." She turned, fumbling in the nightstand drawer as she revealed Maura's purse. "I reasoned that if you did not have it, you would be more willing to stay for a time you needed. And I also may have - what is the word?" she paused for a moment. "Oh yes, snooped a little," she blushed apologetically.

"What did you find?" Maura asked, more amused than upset.

"Your name. And not much else in there revealed to me very much. Your phone is broken - it must have cracked when the man injured you. Your wallet has cards and little money, but nothing else personal. And you hotel key, which is quite a nice hotel. They say the purse tells much about a women, but yours is very mysterious still."

Maura laughed a little. "I don't have much I wish to carry around with me. The necessities have been getting me by just fine. And I assure you, there is not much to tell," she assured her. "I came here because I had nowhere else to go, and I wanted to have the opportunity to start over."

"Ah, I know the feeling. I wish many days I could start over and not be in this business. But I started young so I could go to America and go to school and start a life there, but then Nadine came along quite unexpectedly, and now I only wish to make her life the best I can. I want to enroll her in an esteemed boarding school, so she can have a life I never had, but she needs to be better educated first, especially in her English," Liset sighed. "But now I am talking too much, I apologize. Here is your purse," she handed Maura her bag. "And please let me get you something to eat before I send you on your way, if you are feeling well enough."

Maura nodded, her purse feeling heavy as she slung it over her shoulder, the promise of a new life now feeling far away as she returned back to where she had begun.

XXX

"I'm here to see Liset," Maura whispered in French, a young woman poking her head out from the door after Maura had persistently knocked.

It had only been two days since she had left, but she had been restless, unable to get the beautiful woman and her daughter out of her mind.

The girl narrowed her eyes.

Maura nodded. "I was here two days ago. Tell her Maura would like to speak with her."

The girl's eyes hardened, but she nodded. "Wait here."

A few minutes later, Liset ushered her in. "Is everything okay, Maura?" she asked a bit anxiously, speaking French instead of her usual broken English.

Maura nodded. "I've just had a lot on my mind recently, and the past two days have given me time to think. I would like to offer you my services to repay you for your kindness."

Liset's eyes widened, and for a moment, Maura was confused, until she realized her mistake in wording. "Oh, no, no, not that," she assured her. "You said your daughter needs to perfect her English to attend boarding school? I'm not certified to teach, but I do have extensive knowledge of the English language, so I'd be willing to tutor her for no charge."

Maura had felt so useless and despondent upon returning to the hotel, the thought of getting wasted and sleeping with another man suddenly so sickening that Maura could not bear it. At least when she had been in Africa, she had found meaning in her life as she provided aid to stricken families. And now Liset's daughter presented her with a similar opportunity. It filled her with a surge of hope to be productive again.

Liset didn't speak for a moment, though her eyes watered unexpectedly, and Maura felt a little overwhelmed by her intense display of emotion. "You don't know how much I would appreciate that. But please, you must let me pay you in some way."

"It won't be necessary," Maura assured her, reaching out to touch Liset's arm gently, unexpectedly feeling a tingling sensation pass between them at the skin to skin contact. "I would be my pleasure to do this, and only a small token of my gratitude."

"I know this is a lot to ask, but would you mind terribly if you stayed here? The room I had for you before is not currently occupied, and it would be, ah...easier, if you were just here instead of coming back and forth," Liset requested.

"It wouldn't be a problem at all," Maura answered a little too quickly, glad to escape for the gaudy facade she had been living.

"Maura, you are a godsend. A true beam of hope." Liset's eyes began to water again. "Come, let me introduce you to the girls."

She followed Liset down the narrow hall into the kitchen. As they walked, Liset spoke, still in French. "Though this is hardly an ideal situation, we call ourselves _La Maison Espoir_- The Hope House. I bring girls here who have gotten dragged down into this gruesome business and need funds to start a better life - and while the methods may seem a bit horribly ironic, I usually can get them out of here in several months or so and send them to a more hopeful future. Right now, I have four girls here."

They stepped into the kitchen. "Girls," she announced, and the French murmurs quieted as Liset spoke. "Maura will be joining us for some time to help Nadine in her studies. She is to be treated with the code of respect we all have for each other, and she will be welcome here in our home. Maura, this is Marie-Elise," she introduced the first girl, a harsh-looking, but gorgeous young blonde. She waved reluctantly. "And Ines," she pointed to the girl who had answered the door, a smaller brunette. "And Colette and Simone, our twins," she pointed to two identical girls with honey-colored hair. "And of course, Nadine," she smiled warmly as a young girl, a smaller version of herself, looked up from the end of the table.

Maura waved hesitantly. "It is nice to meet you all."

For the first time in ages, Maura had a purpose again.

XXX

Maura adjusted to life at the Hope House relatively quickly. Her knowledge of French made it easy to communicate with the girls, and she found they hesitantly began to grow accustomed to her presence. Each girl had a story. Marie-Elise had been orphaned as a young girl and had never gotten onto her feet. Ines had been the product of prostitution, and her mother could hardly support her, nor cared to, so she had fallen into a similar lifestyle. The twins had a loving and supportive family, though very poor, who believed they had gotten a scholarship for school, when in reality the girls were here until they raised enough money to make their lie true. Nadine was sweet and exceptionally bright, and Maura found herself enjoying her time spent with the little girl.

Her services were not only limited to tutoring the girl, however. Maura often cooked, and her knowledge of medicine and the human body came into good use whenever the girls needed medical assistance.

Liset became a true friend and a loyal companion. Though she looked like Jane, her personality was much softer. The two would talk long into the night, and Maura found she would open up about choice topics, especially those concerning her childhood. Liset in turn spoke intimately with Maura - revealing her hopes and fears, and the two formed a bond that Maura had not foreseen.

It was an unconventional family, but Maura found she craved the sense of belonging it brought her.

XXX

"Your English is becoming quite refined," Maura praised one day during a her tutoring session with Nadine. "I fear I may not be useful for much longer," she chuckled a little, but Nadine's face fell.

"Will you leave then?" Nadine asked softly, looking anxious.

"I won't be needed here forever," Maura sighed, feeling a little sad as well, though she predicted she would eventually be on the move once again. She may have found a place to belong for the time being, but that didn't mean it was home.

"My mother will be sad to see you go. I have never seen her so happy, until you came," Nadine protested gently. "With both of us gone, I fear that she may become lonely."

Maura sighed. "But aren't you excited to attend school?" Maura ignored the bitter reality.

"I would rather stay here with my mother. I would rather she used the money for my schooling to buy us a house far away from here so she never has to be a prostitute again." The words were brutal, and Nadine's reality made Maura's heart heavy. She reached for the girl's hand.

"She just wants what's best for you," Maura reminded her, rubbing her hand gently.

"I know," Nadine sighed. "But I want what is best for her, too."

XXX

"Have 'nother sip," Liset giggled, handing the bottle of liquor to Maura once again, her grip wobbly.

"Only one more," Maura slurred, taking a large gulp, too drunk to feel the burn any longer. "This's fun. It's nice to forget all the sadness and feel happy 'gain." She wasn't really sure if she was speaking French or English anymore.

Liset nodded in agreement, reaching for the bottle again. "Maura, you are so pretty. Did I ever tell you that?" Liset smiled sloppily, reaching to tug on a strand of Maura's hair.

Maura was too flushed to notice the onslaught of color that rose to her cheeks. Liset's hand moved to her cheek. "You're gorgeous too, J-"

Liset's lips could not have crashed down on at a more convenient time, Jane's name lost behind Maura's lips. Maura was startled for a moment, but she leant into the kiss rather than breaking it. Liset raked her hands through Maura's hair, moaning softly as she pushed her tongue inside Maura's mouth, kissing her until they were forced to surface for air. They both panted, Liset's breath hot against her face. "I've always had a thing for women," she admitted with a laugh, kissing Maura softly again. "It's jus' not as lucrative," she laughed again.

"Come upstairs," Liset beckoned, any resistance from either of the women now absent. A thrill pulsed through Maura as they stumbled up the stairs, and she pushed Liset against the bed before they barely had time to close the door.

Both women were a mess of giggles as they struggled to undress each other. "I prefer women, too," Maura finally admitted, burying her face deep in Liset's curls as their naked flesh came in contact. She paused for a moment, a very different woman suddenly beneath her, and she dared to let herself pretend, letting her eyes close.

Liset's urgent touches brought her back to reality, and Maura moaned in pleasure as she let the other woman consume her.

XXX

Maura awoke the next morning, expecting a sense of panic to overwhelm her. She shifted, prepared to leave to go to her own room, but Liset only snuggled closer, kissing her bare neck.

"Stay asleep a little longer," Liset murmured, and Maura felt her pulse slow, burrowing deeper into Liset's arms.

XXX

They kept their affair fairly quiet, though Maura now found she spent most nights in Liset's room once the business of the long nights were over. Liset herself only had a few clients every now in then, but Maura ached just to think of Liset compromising herself, even so rarely.

Their relationship was passionate and playful, and it made Maura feel alive again. In her brief experimentation with women, she had never know just how great it could be to have a relationship with a woman, but she found she craved it far above what she could have with a man. With man, sex was purely physical, but with a women, it was more intimate and meaningful, and Maura felt much more fulfilled when she was with Liset.

Every so often, Maura was overcome by an onslaught of guilt, her past decisions and regrets rushing back, but she forced them aside, instead focusing on the new hope she was slowly building for herself.

XXX

Maura fought to catch her breath, and Liset let out a heavy sigh as her finger found Maura's hair, wordlessly stroking it. Their bodies were covered in a fine sheen of sweat for their love-making, and Maura let her eyes begin to flutter shut.

"I think I'm falling in love with you," Liset murmured, her words startling Maura.

Maura waited for the relief to set in. She waited for the guilt to wane, for the feeling of triumph of conquering her past to settle. But instead she only wanted to cry.

She took Liset's hand in her own, rubbing the skin softly. She said nothing, Liset falling asleep long before Maura could.

XXX

Maura's throat felt tight as she placed the large wad of cash on her vacant pillow. It was still late, and Liset slept soundly. Beside the money, Maura left a simple note.

_Thank you for all you have done for me. I only wish I could've done more in return. _

It was enough money to pay for Nadine's full education with some left over for Liset and all her girls to comfortably start a new life. She fought to urge to brush Liset's dark curls away from her face and kiss her again, silently exiting the room with her few belongings.

Maura left another piece of her life behind, wishing for once she had somewhere to go.

* * *

_A/N: Again, I apologize that the wait for these are getting so long, but I'm doing my best. Your feedback inspires me immensely, so thanks a bunch :]_


	11. Chapter XI

_Don't let me lose you, before there's a chance to begin_

* * *

_Now_

Jane took her coffee black, the dark liquid substituting for yet another sleepless night. She checked her phone, only to be greeted by her cheerful background of Mason making a silly face.

_Stupid Maura_. Jane huffed, tossing her phone down on her desk. She felt so needy and desperate as she continually sent texts and left voicemails, all unanswered, but both of them could not afford to be the stubborn one.

She took another gulp of coffee, the bitter drink burning her tongue. Her eyes fell on Mason's spaceship drawing she had fondly taped to the edge of her desk, only to feel a surge of frustration and longing as she identified the orange Maura-blob in the window. She turned her gaze away, only to find the only other personal item that decorated her desk - a picture of her and Sam on their wedding day. She slapped it down, the impact causing her coffee to spill all over her paperwork.

"Son of bitch," Jane hissed, holding the dripping folder over the trashcan.

"Why didn't you tell us Dr. Isles has been back in town for a month?"

Korsak's accusation started her, and she wheeled around in her chair, crossing her arms stubbornly across her chest. Frost trailed close behind, seeming equally bewildered as to the reason Jane had withheld this information from them.

"Wait, how do you two know?" Jane flipped the guns on them, raising an eyebrow. Maura had kept her reappearance in Boston quite low key, perhaps not intentionally, but there was much settling for her to do before she could fully reestablish her life. Jane, in turn, had kept the information between her and the third parties of Mason and her husband, ravaged by guilt and uncertain fear that Maura would disappear just as quickly as she had re-emerged.

"Came in to interview this morning for her position as medical examiner," Korsak explained, leaning up against her desk, sniffing a little as the smell of coffee assaulted his nose. "I saw her on her way out - boy was a I shocked to see her here, and naturally, I figured you didn't know she was in town yet. But we all know Dr. Isles can't tell a lie." Here the color in Jane's face drained a little. She then felt a little hurt that Maura had only effectively deceived one person, and Jane had been shocked enough to fall for it. "She seemed a little uneasy, but she assured me that you knew."

Jane chewed on her lip, the color resurfacing to her cheeks. She tried to appear nonchalant as she slapped her coffee-stained papers back on her cluttered desk. "Yep, I've seen her," she stated vaguely. "What's it to you?"

"I know know why you're getting so defensive, Jane, but I just figured you'd, ya know, tell us..." Korak trailed off, and Jane's expression softened. "You were such a wreck after she left that we figured we'd be there to see you hug her until she couldn't breathe anymore."

Or punch the bejesus out of her," Frost added with a slight chuckle.

"I dunno, things are just so different now," Jane shrugged. "A lot has changed, for both of us. Guess I just didn't know what to make of her coming back. Still really don't," she said a little gruffly.

Frost smiled sympathetically, and Korsak patted her shoulder reassuringly. "So she's applying here again?" Jane asked, unable to suppress the flutter in her stomach. Not only did that mean that Maura would have no choice but to confront her, but it also meant she planned to stay.

Korak nodded, and Frost added, "Rumor is that Pike's planning to retire soon-"

"Thank the Lord," Jane interrupted.

"So I'd wager she had a pretty good chance of obtaining the job, especially with her past experience here," Frost finished.

Jane didn't miss his smile. She wasn't the only one who had missed Maura around here.

XXX

"Fuck you, Maura." Jane spat into the phone after the message tone blared. She hung up promptly, throwing her phone at the wall.

"Mommy?"

Mason's voice startled her, and she jerked her head toward the bedroom door, watching him slink in through the opening.

"Jesus, Mase, you scared me," she murmured. Mason picked up her phone, warily handing it to her as he crawled up on the bed beside her.

"You said not to say Jesus unless we are praying," Mason reminded her, looking a little nervous.

"Yeah, sorry," Jane sighed. "Mommy made an oopsie." She ruffled his hair, feeling a little less frustrated.

"You were happier when Maura was here. Why doesn't she come back?" Mason stated, curling up next to Jane.

"Damn, Mase, why do you have to be so perceptive?" she sighed again, running her hand through her hair in an exasperated manner.

"That is not a good word either. Maybe you need a timeout," Mason suggested.

Jane laughed a little. "Yeah, Mommy probably could use a timeout right now."

Jane's phone began to buzz wildly, startling the pair. Mason reached into her lap and snatched away the phone before Jane could answer it.

"Hey!" she scolded, reaching for her phone, but Mason already had it pressed up against his ear.

"Hello, this is Mason," he answered politely. Jane scowled, then sighed, figuring it was only Sam anyway.

"Maura!" Mason shrieked, and Jane snapped her head up, heart heart skipping in her chest. She was momentarily paralyzed by shock as Mason continued to speak.

"Mommy is sad and misses you. And I want you to come play. Goodbye," Mason promptly finished his one-sided conversation and hung up the phone.

"Mason!" Jane roared, grabbing his arm a little too roughly as she tore the phone out of his grasp.

Mason screamed in return, thrashing in her grasp as an influx of tears poured down his face. "You hurted me!" he howled.

"You can't just do that, Mason!" Jane continued to yell, too livid to let Mason's distress make her pity him. "You can't just hang up like that. I can't believe you did that!"

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" Mason sobbed, wriggling out of Jane's grip and storming down the hall to his room.

"Fuck," Jane hissed, her body shaking a little from frustration and anger. She leaned back against the bed, knowing she should tend to the boy, but she went to her recent calls instead, promptly dialing back the number. It went to voicemail. Jane let out in indistinguishable noise, hurling her phone so hard at the wall this time that it chipped the paint away. As he phone fell to the carpet, she realized the screen was badly cracked. She growled, falling back against the bed, closing her eyes for a moment.

She could hear Mason still howling down the hall, and with another stream of curses, she rose from the bed and stomped down the hall. She paused in the doorway, peering past the slightly ajar door. Mason lay in his bed, kicking the mattress, his face red and puffy from working himself up so much. Jane sighed, summoning all the strength and patience she had reaped from motherhood in the past two years.

"Mase," she muttered softly, entering the room and sitting down on the edge of his race car bed. "I'm sorry."

"Go 'way," he sniffed, lifting his head only to glare at her. "You hurted me," he accused, and sure enough, Jane could see a pattern of red marks dancing across his forearms, left from the grip of her nails.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. And I'm sorry I yelled," she tried again.

He let out another sob. "I hate you! You aren't even my real mommy," he screeched, and Jane winced, the words slicing through her.

"Mase," her voice cracked, and she felt a tear slip down her cheek. "Mom -" she stopped, clearing her throat as she said instead, "I get angry and frustrated sometimes, and I say some things and do some things I shouldn't, and I'm really, really sorry. I love you, Mason," she reminded him.

He peeked at her from between his fingers, letting out a shuddery breath. "I love you," he finally muttered in return, his grudge quickly deteriorating. "Will you still love me and be my mommy?" he asked a little fearfully.

"Of course, Mase," Jane's voice was a little hoarse as she fiercely made the promise. "Nothing could _ever_ change that."

XXX

"You okay, honey?" Sam asked, peering over his reading glasses as Jane sat listlessly on the other side of the bed, lost in thought.

"Huh? Yeah," she jerked her attention toward Sam. "I mean, except for the fact that I got in that screaming match with Mason today," she muttered a little crossly, wishing that her four-year-old had been tactful enough not to mention it to Daddy.

"It's a normal part of parenting," Sam reminded her, folding down the corner of the page to mark his place in his book. "Though I still don't really understand what the whole fuss was about - something about him answering your phone when your best friend was calling?" he clarified.

"Guess I was just pissed about him answering my phone without asking," Jane shrugged it off, unable to look at her husband.

"It seems like it was a little more than that. You left a pretty good dent in the wall, and I don't think you'll be making any calls from the phone soon," he motioned toward the wall and Jane's damaged phone on the dresser top.

"It's nothing. Just got angry," she brushed it off. "You know how my temper can get."

He nodded, then changed the subject. "You seem to have quite the attachment to her," Sam spoke his thoughts aloud. Jane still refused to look at him. "Wish you'd let me meet her."

"Yeah, soon," Jane muttered vaguely, slumping down against her pillow.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Sam sighed again. "You just seem so...distant," he searched for the correct word.

"Yeah, just need some time to think. And stuff." It was physically painful for her to talk about this, and she wished he'd just go back to reading his book and drop the whole topic.

"Well, if you need to talk, you know I'm here," he offered feebly. She heard the pages brush together as he reopened his book.

Jane did not respond.

XXX

"I want to ring the doorbell!" Mason announced as Jane and he walked up the porch steps to her mother's townhouse; she had gotten her own place a few months before Maura's departure, fully moving on and reestablishing her life.

"Alright, buddy." She lifted him up so he could reach, the ring piercing through the evening.

Her mother answered the door a moment later, and Jane grumbled slightly as she was herded into a hug.

"Nonna!" Mason exclaimed, addressing his grandmother.

"How my favorite grandson?" she cooed, scooping him up in her arms.

"Can't be saying that for long," Frankie reminded her as they entered the kitchen area. He tugged his wife, Emily, a little closer to him. "Em and I find out the gender on Wednesday."

A small dog shot through the kitchen, sliding on the linoleum floor as she came to a halt in front of Jane. "Jo," Jane crooned softly, reaching down to pat her dog's head softly. Sam was highly allergic to animals, so Jo had taken up permanent residence with her mother.

"Yes, but maybe you'll be having my favorite granddaughter," his mother rebutted with a wink in Frankie's direction, going over to the stove to stir her sauce. "Where's your husband, Janie?" she addressed her daughter. "Also, I'm very disappointed in you."

"He's working. What else is new?" she informed her, giving Jo one final pat before rising up to her full height. "And may I ask what I've done this time?" she added with a significant eyeroll.

Her mother opened her mouth to speak, but she was cut off as Mason let out a shriek. "Maura!"

Jane's attention jerked from the kitchen to the living room, where Maura was playing chess with Tommy. She looked up sheepishly from the board, finding Jane's gaze.

"What the hell is she doing here?" Jane narrowed her eyes at her mother.

"Watch your language," her mother scolded. "And I don't think you have any right to talk. This is why I am disappointed in you. She's been back here for almost a month now, and you find no reason to tell your family?"

Jane groaned, running a hand through her curls. This was too much for her to handle in one evening.

"I saw her at the grocery store the other day," her mother further continued. "Almost had a heart attack, seeing her back here so unexpectedly."

"So you invited her for dinner?" Jane asked, a little incredulously.

"Of course," her mother responded, giving her an innocent look.

Jane moaned again. She was furious, ecstatic, and confused all at the same time. "Maura, come with me. We need to talk," she stomped into the living room, stopping in front of the couch. Maura held Mason in her lap, and Jane saw her eyes widen in slight fear as she tugged Mason a little closer to her.

Maura nodded, giving Tommy an apologetic look. She rose from the couch, putting Mason in her place.

"Upstairs," Jane commanded, grabbing Maura's hand, not expecting the simple contact to affect her so much.

"Wait! Jane! Where are you going?" her mother followed after her with a dripping sauce spoon in her hand. Jo happily followed behind, lapping up the mess. "You can talk down here," she protested.

"Ma," Jane warned.

"Just let them have a minute," Frankie spoke, nodding significantly toward his mother. Jane gave him an appreciative smile.

On her way up the steps, she could still make out her mother's voice. "-just trying my best to keep this family together. She never appreciates a thing I do for her...No, Mason, stay down here. You can help me stir the sauce."

Jane opened the door to the spare bedroom and ushered Maura in. "Explain," she demanded, leaning up against the dresser top as Maura sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Your mother invited me to dinner. And I said yes," Maura explained in simple terms, then sighed heavily.

"That's all it takes? One chance meeting in the grocery store, and I've been calling you for a whole damn week, and you can't be bothered to let me know you're still alive," Jane huffed, feeling wounded.

"You know I can't say no to your mother," Maura defended, to which Jane did have to agree. "And I have been calling you. For the past two days, ever since Mason answered your phone," she promised. "But it's been going straight to voicemail, so I assumed you didn't want to talk after all."

"Yeah, well, my phone's been kind of...busted. But you had a week to return my calls, Maur. You have to understand why I'm so frustrated," she sighed, and as always when it came to Maura, she found herself softening much faster than she intended.

"I wanted to give you space. I wanted to give us both some space," she defended, her hazel eyes locking with Jane's. "You're married, Jane," she reminded her, and Jane wished she didn't wince so much every time she remembered. "You have a child who loves you and needs you. We just can't do...this."

"You're my best friend," Jane muttered weakly, those both knew that Maura far exceeded that title. "I just can't lose you again."

"I reapplied as medical examiner," Maura whispered, her way of letting Jane know that she did not intend to leave again.

"Korsak told me." Jane smiled a little.

"Perhaps we should return back downstairs," Maura suggested after a moment. "I think we've already upset your mother enough."

Jane sighed, wanting nothing more than to disappear from the rest of the world with Maura. She nodded, quickly leaning in and placing a kiss on the corner of Maura's mouth.

"Jane," Maura warned, but her kept her face pressed up against Jane's mouth for a prolonged moment.

"This isn't over yet," Jane stated significantly, taking Maura's hand in her own as she led her back downstairs.

* * *

_A/N: I've decided on an ending point for this fic, and I think it will play out in about five or so chapters if all goes as planned. I am always looking for more future fic ideas, and who better to ask than my readers? So shoot me some ideas if you feel so inclined, and I'll see what I can do. I tend to like writing one-shots just a bit more than multi-chapter fics, but I would like to do one more big multi-chaptered fic this summer, so I would appreciate prompts for both. Thanks for being such supportive readers. I really appreciate it :]_


	12. Chapter XII

_I want to breathe the air I did before you left_

* * *

_Then_

It took Jane's heart a full five minutes to reach a normal rate after she watched Maura disappear through the door. The silence engulfed her, pulsing around her as she dared to lick her lips, still tasting Maura.

She had kissed her. Maura had kissed her. The revelation scared her and delighted her all at the same time. It sent her into frenzied state, while she also felt a wave of utter relief wash over her. To say she had never entertained the thought before would've been a lie. Dean had merely been a safety net, a way for her to conform herself to society. After all, as Jane left her youth spiraling behind her, the thought of ending up alone had become a harsh and familiar reality.

But Maura had become all she needed without her even realizing it. She had become her best friend - the person she talked to when she needed advice, the person she (somewhat reluctantly) would open herself up to, the person she laughed with, the person who could comfort her, the person she longed to comfort. The person she loved.

Her heart rate became irregular as she admitted it to herself.

"Maura," she whispered softly, as if uttering her name would somehow summon the woman back through the doors of the morgue.

For a moment, she contemplated chasing after her. She didn't leave until tomorrow, so she still had a chance. Jane was imbued with a surge of empowerment, a rush of determination. But what use would it be? Jane felt her stomach knot in a painful manner. Maura was leaving, and who was Jane to stop her? Jane could not just throw away Dean and the life she had created on a whim. She had made her decision, and now, Maura was making her own.

Jane slumped to the floor instead, her adrenaline quickly fading into despair as she sharp, chilly air surrounded her.

XXX

"You're not yourself."

Jane rolled over, drained and exhausted. She found Dean's eyes, his bare chest poking out from beneath the blankets. Sex was a task. It was always a task now, and Jane wished she had the courage and tact to tell him she wished to be alone.

Except she wanted nothing _less_ than to be alone. It was a vicious cycle - she'd be at war with herself whether Dean was here or not, and she selfishly craved the reassurance of his love too much to bring herself to let him go.

"I'm just tired," she lamely defended herself, and then elaborated. "Got a tough case, and with Maura gone, things just aren't going smoothly." Her voice cracked a little as she muttered the other woman's name.

"Just relax," he murmured, reaching to massage her bare back. Jane flinched. "Not off to a good start," he managed a chuckle.

Jane was barely able to force a tiny smile in return, but she did unclench her muscles, trying desperately to let herself slip into mindless oblivion.

XXX

"Jesus, can't we just fire him?" Jane hissed to Korsak as she watched Dr. Pike meticulously examine the body. Though Maura was certainly thorough about her examinations, she was no where near the obsessive compulsive levels of Dr. Pike.

Korsak sighed, and she knew he missed Maura's presence as well. She, Korsak, Frost, and herself had certainly made quite the team, and Pike's presence was strange and unwanted as he broke through the familiarity Jane had taken for granted.

"She'd be seething right now if she saw him here, taking over her domain," Jane further added, wishing that this mere fact could be enough to bring Maura scampering back to where she belonged.

"He's not so bad," Korsak weakly defend him. Jane's glare was murderous. "He gets the job done," he added.

Jane snorted. "Yeah, well, he's gonna be deader than that body before he's through with it."

This earned a chuckle from Korsak. "I'm sure Dr. Isles will be back before you know it." His words reminded her of a father placating his child, and she fought the urge to say something smart in return. It was the only comfort anyone could seem to offer, so Jane held her tongue and wished desperately for it to be true.

XXX

"You did what?" her mother's appalled tone did not even phase her.

Jane shrugged, picking at a loose string on her hoodie. She hadn't even bothered to get dressed before making the drive over to her mother's, pulling herself out of her numb state long enough to realize she needed to tell her mother the news in person.

"Jane - I just - I can't understand. You had a date set. We were going to pick out your dress next weekend," her mother struggled to find the right words, her disappoint quickly spiraling into confusion. "Does this have something to do with Maura leaving?"

Jane jerked her head up at this comment, her heart jumping in panic, the first real emotion she had felt in so long. "No," she lied. "This is between me and Dean. And I'm just not as ready as I thought I was."

"Jane, you're thirty six-"

"Don't you start with me," Jane's anger surfaced. "I just can't settle because I'm a certain age, or because I'm afraid I won't find someone else, or because it's what _you_ want for me," Jane's voice came out more accusatory than she intended.

Her mother's eyes flashed for a moment, but she sighed heavily, for once not letting her daughter's attitude instigate a fight. "I just want you to be happy," she finally muttered.

"I am," she lied again. Though perhaps she was on the path to the truth. Calling off the wedding was perhaps a step in the right direction. She voluntarily hugged her mother, and she stiffened slightly from the unexpected contact but soon leant in to the rare embrace. "Don't worry about me."

XXX

"What'd you do with the ring?" Frankie asked, tossing a piece of bread into the lake and watching as few ducks flocked around the snack.

"You're gonna scare away all the fish," Jane whined, tugging at her rod. She paused a moment before she answered her brother's question. "I still have it. I should probably giving it back, though. But it wasn't really the first thing on my mind when I broke his heart," she muttered a bit sardonically. "Or maybe I'll just toss it somewhere I'll forget about it." She shrugged, attempting to shoo the ducks away as she hurled a twig at them.

"Jane!" Frankie protested. "You'll hurt them."

"What are you now - Korsak?" she chuckled a little, imagining Frankie's words perfectly in Korsak's voice. Her brother had always been a softie though, compared to Jane's tough manner and Tommy's devilish one.

Her comment earned a chuckle from Frankie. "Throwing it somewhere would be the most poetic. Like into the lake," he suggested. "Letting your sorrows sink to the bottom," he added in a fake, dramatic tone. "Yeah, but you should probably give it back. Those things ain't no chump change," he laughed lightly, then looked up at Jane with a more serious expression on his face. "I'm thinking about proposing to Emily soon." He found her eyes, waiting for her approval.

"That's great, Frankie. Really, congrats. Em's a sweet girl," she smiled, suddenly feeling chest close up as she wished desperately to love as simply and freely as her brother did.

"Thanks, Jane," Frankie smiled genuinely.

The pair was silent for a moment, letting their rods bob gently in the murky water. Frankie finally spoke. "You sure you okay, Jane?"

She didn't answer immediately, closing her eyes for a moment as the earthy smell of the lake surrounded her. "I miss Maura," she finally admitted. It was an obvious statement, but she hadn't admitted it so helplessly and hopelessly until this point.

She felt Frankie's hand on her arm, and she opened her eyes. He didn't need to say anything; she merely felt his sympathy from his touch. Perhaps it was because this was the most intimately and genuinely she had spoken to her brother in a long time, or perhaps it was merely because she needed to lift the words off her chest, but she spoke quietly, yet confidently. "Maura kissed me before she left."

Frankie's hand stayed in place. She waited for a gasp of shock or a warning of disapproval. But Frankie didn't say anything for a while, and Jane let him mull over her confession, trying her best not to become anxious as the silence lasted for an increasingly long time.

"Did you kiss her back?" he finally asked.

"What - I don't know - it was all so fast. All so rushed and panicked - and...I wanted to kiss her back, but she left before I could," Jane finally sighed, looking over at Frankie, surprised the words fell from her lips so easily. She was admitting to Frankie what she could hardly even admit to herself.

"You really love her, don't you?" he asked, his voice not quite stunned, but more in awe of what he had missed after years of watching the two interact.

"Yeah," Jane answered, perhaps a little quickly, but it wasn't something she needed to think about. She had already done plenty of that - and now she had finally confirmed it. She looked over at her little brother, her soft smile speaking indefinable degrees of gratitude. She hadn't planned on telling him this, and even if she had, she would've feared rejection and judgement for her somewhat taboo love. But Frankie had been tactful, and Jane felt a sudden ease fill her her aching heart. She didn't feel quite so alone.

"Wait for her," Frankie finally spoke, his advice simple, and Jane only wished it were so.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry this is on the shorter side. Next chapter should be longer as I delve more into the present plot :] Anyway, in shameless self promotion, I just started a new fic. It's a high school AU called_ _**If You're My Girl**_,_ so if you'd like something new to read, I would appreciate it you'd check it out and let me know what you think :]_

_And as always, your feedback for this story is much appreciated. It's what keeps me going. Thanks!_


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